Room for Rent
by Drax99
Summary: When the ad for a roommate was answered by a pony, Louis was more than a bit surprised. He had heard about them in the news, and how they had come from another world. But what Bronies had wished for wasn't exactly what they found. Now the real ponies are visiting earth, and he has one living with him. How will the straight laced normal guy learn to deal with a hyperactive pink pony
1. Prologue: Room for Rent

Room For Rent

Being awakened at eight in the morning may be normal for some folks, but on my day off I like to sleep in. I was not in the best of moods as I trudged across the floor to answer the insistent knocking, and I certainly was not prepared for what met me.

"Whaddaya want?" I muttered, as I blinked bleary eyes at the empty air in front of me. A moment passed before I thought to look down, and was greeted by the pinkest thing I had ever seen. Rubbing my eyes, I refocused on my visitor and saw it staring back at me with a huge grin.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?" A voice that was way too chipper and high pitched for this early in the morning issued forth, causing me to flinch.

"Uhh, hi. Name's Louis, what's up?" I muttered back. My brain was trying to process what I was seeing, and managed to dredge up news articles about these creatures. Something about some weirdos breaking into a government lab and creating a portal to another world, filled with colorful creatures from a cartoon. Of course, the real creatures looked as much like the cartoon as I looked like a character from a Popeye. Small, cloven hooves, shaggy coats, and roundish heads sporting large, liquid eyes made them look more like mutated deer than the ponies they claimed to be. And now one was standing on my doorstep.

Her eyes (I decided the voice seemed female) grew wide, and suddenly she gasped, standing on her hind hooves and leaning forward to smash her muzzle into each of my cheeks. "Bonjour! I am so happy to meet you, Loo-ees!"

Shocked, I took a step back and wiped what I was sure to be pony drool off my face. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, my friend, Rainbow Dash, told me that was how French humans greeted each other. She said it was called a French Kiss!" Sitting back on her butt, she beamed proudly at me.

"Whoah, woah woah. First off, I am not French. I was born and raised one hundred percent American. Second, that was not a French kiss. Third, I don't know many French people, but I am sure a French kiss is NOT how they greet one another." Shaking my head in disbelief, I was starting to wonder if this was some sort of elaborate prank. I wondered where one could could possibly be hiding cameras in my front yard.

"Oh well, my mistake. So what is a French kiss then? Can you show me?" She blinked with a blank look on her face. Nobody could be that stupid.

"Not enough alcohol in the world." I shook my head. "No way I'mma french a horse."

Her entire body wilted and her ears went flat against her head, a look of total dejection clear on her alien face. "Oh. Well you don't need to be so mean about it."

"What? I just don't have a thing for horses. Nothing personal." I shrugged. The resultant flinch warned me I had said the wrong thing. "What did I say?"

"Oh, it's just, being called a horse is a really bad thing where I come from." She straightened a bit, still hiding a quaver in her voice. "It would be like me calling you a stupid monkey that throws his poo at everypony."

"Hey! That was one time!" I shook my finger at her, getting another flinch. "And I swear, someone put something in my drink! I don't even know how I woke up in that zoo."

A bit of a smile creeped back onto her face, as she wrinkled her nose at me adorably. "Eew?"

"Nevermind that. So horse is the N-word for you, I apologize. Won't happen again." Filing the info away for later, I stuck out my hand for a customary human shake without thinking. She smiled and took it eagerly. "So, what brings you here anyway, little pony?"

"Oh, I forgot!" Stretching her rather long neck around behind herself, she fished around in the bag on her back, pulling out a newspaper. A big red square was drawn around an article I had published just the night before, along with several balloons and smiley faces around it. "Ahm hee ferr duh roomf!"

Taking the paper from her mouth, rather surprised it had remained dry, I looked at the classified ad, and then up at the date. It was today's paper. The ad lady had told me it would be at least a week before the ad would run, and to expect at least a month before I received any serious offers. Then again, does a bubblegum-pink alien from another dimension count as serious? Was I even awake?

"Oh. Umm. Yea." I floundered as the pink mare just beamed up at me, the earlier awkwardness seemingly forgotten. I stepped back, waving her into the room, and I swear as she bounced behind me, I heard some sort of spring noise.

As I flopped into my favorite chair, the bouncy mare landed on the couch across from me, still beaming like a sociopath about to kill a kitten. For a moment the thought of having an animal rubbing it's rear all over my clean furniture occurred to me, before a tidbit from the news article came back; Apparently in our uptight society, the idea of another sentient race running around naked was brought up, and it was revealed that most of the ponies wore thong-like undergarments to hide their naughty bits. This was especially a relief considering the anatomy of the males. Fuck, now I was thinking about pony anatomy.

Keeping my eyes on the face of my guest, I cleared my throat. "Ahem. So you are here about the spare room?"

"Yeppers, most of my friends are here on Earth as a sorta exchange program, as the 'Ambassadors of Harmony', or something." I was almost hypnotized by how her entire body seemed to move like a hyperactive jello sculpture, especially her hair. It didn't exactly look like the pictures of the cartoon I had seen, but then very little about these creatures did. It was a cartoon caricature after all. Instead of a large poofy mass, the individual finger curls flopped around in all directions like the wig on a giant pink cupie-doll.

The next thing I knew, I was getting a close up of another difference from the show, a large pink hoof. "Hello, Louie? You kinda spaced out there a moment." I blinked at the cloven appendage and mumbled an apology.

"Sorry, still kinda early."

"Oh, that's ok. I'm getting used to all kinda stares and stuff. But that's okay, because I'm also making lotsa new friends!" She bounced backwards to the couch again in a single fluid motion. "So anyway, I was saying how since I didn't have any special politic-ey type agendas like my friends Rarity and Twilight, I was gonna just do what I do best and make lotsa friends! But you can't make friends unless you leap into the thick of things and meet lotsa ponies! Oh, I mean people!"

I felt my eyes glazing over again and I was starting to regret my late night of internet surfing and gaming. It didn't help that her energetic prattle made me instinctively want to tune her out. She was definitely a morning person. I hated morning people, but the mortgage wasn't gonna pay itself, and if she was some sorta celebrity, she should have money.

"So." I interrupted, "Here's the deal, the rent is five hundred a month, plus half the utilities. I keep a clean house, and expect it to stay that way. What you do in your room is your business, but if you break anything or attract vermin, you will pay for the cleanup. Also, if you are bringing anyone over, call ahead so that I know." So far solemn nods were my only reply, so I continued. "Public areas are shared, as is the responsibility of keeping them clean. You make a mess, you clean it up. Trash goes out on Mondays and Thursdays, and it's your turn on Thursday to make sure it goes out." still more nods, and the longest stretch of silence yet. It was becoming a bit uncomfortable. "Finally, if you have any addictions, you can walk right out the door now. My house is clean in more ways than one, and I will not tolerate any drugs." Again, the nod, so I dropped the final bomb. "Oh, and you will need to have a job. I don't care who you are or how rich you are, but my parents raised me that idleness causes trouble. If you wanna live here, you gotta work. Deal?"

After a moment of silence, I watched as my tirade sunk in, and the gears were practically spinning in the pink mare's head. Finally she blinked, and grinned that creepy grin of hers again. "Okie, Dokie, Loki!" And she stuck out her hoof for a shake.

Taking it warily, I gave it a firm shake, and sat back down. "So, what do you plan to do?"

"Well I get plenty of money from my royal stipend as an ambassador, but I don't like to sit still either." A raised eyebrow was my only reaction to that understatement. "So tomorrow I have a job interview, and for now I have enough for a few month's rent." She pulled out a purse from her bags, and fished out a gold coin. My eyes went wide as I realized the value of such a large chunk of gold. "Woopsie! Wrong purse. Need to take this to the bank and get it exchanged." I would swear that it had been a calculated move on her part, if only I could believe such a scatterbrained ditz could possibly be that subtle.

Finally she pulled out another purse, and handed over a stack of currency that made my eye twitch. There was easily several thousand dollars in large bills in a single stack. She smiled sweetly at me and slid them across the intervening coffee table at me. "Is that enough? I'm still learning the money you use around here."

I nearly choked at her naivete, and failed to stop myself from facepalming. Carefully I picked up the stack, counted out first and last month's rent, and slid the rest back to her. "I am gonna recommend you talk to a banker as soon as possible. Never carry around that kinda cash, and don't ever let anyone see those coins." I sighed at the look of confusion on her face. "I don't know what things are like where you come from, but that is enough money to make even good people think about doing bad things to get their hands on it. You seem like a nice kid, and I'd hate to see you taken advantage of." That got a smile from her. "Get a bank card, use that to buy things, never carry more than twenty bucks cash on you for emergencies."

The next moment I was rocked back in my chair as I was slammed by a pink missile. I swear I felt my ribs creak, and my back popped itself wonderfully back into alignment as the tackle-hug forced the breath from my lungs.

"Thanks Louie! I knew you would be a great friend!"

I managed to choke out something even I didn't understand, and suddenly the pressure was released. I coughed and saw my assailant sitting back across the room in the couch as if nothing had ever happened, still grinning.

"Louis." I managed to choke out, still trying to decide if I wanted to be angry at the assault. She did pop my sore back, after all.

"Wat?" She tilted her head, like a cute pink puppy dog, and looked at me.

"My name is Louis, not Louie. Louie is some two-bit gangster thug name." I explained, finally getting my wind back. "I took alotta shit growing up for my name, and now I earned the right to use it."

"Oh, okies Louis." I had to chuckle as she still managed to make the name sound like 'Loo-ees'.

Shaking my head, I got up and motioned her to follow. "Okay, time for the Tour. For now we will consider this a trial run. You can stay for one week, and if things work out, I will have a lease written up and we can make it permanent. Until then, you are on probation. I have never lived with a pony, and I don't know how many humans you have lived with, but I tend to be strict, but fair. You okay with that?"

"Yeppers! You are my first human friend, and I can tell we are gonna get along great!" She bounced in place like some demented pogo stick, and I heard that squeaky spring noise again.

I deadpanned, and gave her my best sober stare. It was hard not to smile around the little creature as she exuded cheer and energy. "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. This is first a business relationship. Friends is a bit stronger word than I am willing to use without knowing someone better. I have few friends, but every one is worth more than the world to me. Friendship for me is like respect and love. They are EARNED, not given."

Her ears did that little wilting thing again at my little speech, but perked back up at the end. Suddenly she stood straight, plastered a Serious-Sam look on her face, and saluted with one hoof. "Yes SIR! I will do my best to earn both your respect, and your friendship!" Her face finally melted into her normal smile, and she giggled playfully.

The dam finally broke, and I smiled in return, also returning the salute. "I think we are gonna get along just fine, Pinkie."

We continued the tour, Pinkie nearly exploding across the kitchen when she saw all the fancy appliances. My mom was a home shopping addict, so we had every sort of gizmo imaginable. I barely learned to cook ramen, so most of it went unused in her absence. My new roommate proclaimed to be a world class baker and cook, so I told her to go for it. I did insist she clean up, as well as wash her hooves before touching food.

Next step was the bathroom. I paused a moment trying to think about how to word what I wanted to say, but then decided to be blunt. "So, um, Pinkie? Are you, you know, housebroken?" I just got a blank stare in return. "I don't wanna be rude, but do you know how to use human toilets?"

Comprehension dawned and her face lit up, with a bit of blushing. "Oh yeah! I had to take some classes to learn how to do things in the human world, and part of the class was on potty etiquette. The toilets you use are a bit different, but pony plumbing is basically the same. It wasn't too hard to learn." She smiled sheepishly at me again. "And yes, I always wash my hoofsies!"

"Well, umm, that's good. I guess." Unsure what else to say. "So, this is your own private bathroom. Feel free to decorate how you want, but you have to buy your own stuff. There's a few rolls of TP and some soap to get you started, but you need to buy the rest."

"Oooh, yay! I've never had my own bathroom before. When I was a filly, I shared one with my sisters, and the Cakes never did finish the guest bathroom," she gushed.

"Yea, well knock yourself out. Just keep it clean, and smelling fresh." I received a nod in return.

And next is your bedroom." I gave the grand reveal, showing off my old room. It still had a bit of a teenage boy decor, with some posters and a nondescript green wallpaper. My old bed was stripped down, but still functional. "It used to be mine, so it's still got guy colors. If you want to repaint, I will go in half on supplies. Just don't tear down any walls."

"Oh, oh, oh! Can I paint it pink? Cuz' pink is totally my favorite color!" I rolled my eyes at such an obvious choice.

"Sure, knock yourself out, but please keep the paint off the carpet." Sighing, I realized this must be what it was like to have a younger sister.

The rest of the day went relatively smooth. I ran some errands, and helped Pinkie buy some stuff for her room. The bank would have to wait until the weekend was over, so I let her keep the money in my safe. Surprisingly, she had brought almost nothing with her, and so she had to order quite a few things since ponies still were not common enough to be a target market at most stores. She was cheerful enough, and other than refusing to let her remodel the house, we got along well. All in all I was feeling good about my new roommate, but exhausted by her sheer energy, and at the end of the day I slept like the dead .


	2. Dawn of the First Day

Dawn of the First Day

The next morning I woke to the smell of home-cooked food and for a moment I was wondering who had broken into my house to cook. The smell made me miss my mom's cooking, and motivated me to get out of bed. Dragging myself to the kitchen, I was greeted to the sight of a full breakfast spread for at least two people: pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast, juice and all the other goodies one only ever sees on cooking magazines. Even the table was covered in cloth, and place settings meticulously set on the table. Hell, there was even a flower in a vase. I don't own a vase. I swear it was like Martha Stewart invaded my home and started filming a cooking show.

But instead of the wizened old matriarch, I saw at the stove a pink ball of fur, wearing a white apron and poofy chef's hat. She wore a hair net over her tail and mane, and turned to me with her trademark grin.

"Morning sleepyhead! Breakfast is almost ready, and I was afraid I was gonna have to drag you out of your room to eat!" With the practiced skill of a carnival juggler, she dropped to all four hooves as she tossed a plate of warm rolls she had just pulled from the oven onto the table, and not a single crumb was dislodged.

"Holy hell, Pinkie! Where did you get so much food? I wasn't going shopping until tomorrow, and I sure as hell didn't have this much food." My mind boggled at the sheer amount of food, as well as the near-perfect artistic layout of every plate and platter. It was as if I was standing in the way of a photo shoot.

"Oh, I'm used to getting up early from working at the bakery for the Cakes. So I got up, and trotted down to the market down the street. The boy there was real nice, and apparently a big fan of mine!" Beaming, she slid her way into a chair across from me, and started loading her own plate with food. I was not sure what confused me more, the way she handled the utensils with hooves, or the fact that she was loading things like bacon and sausage on her plate.

"Wait, you are a pony, right?" She nodded vigorously, the poofy chef hat bobbing on her head, but never coming loose. "Aren't ponies supposed to be vegetarians? I mean you do know what bacon is, right?"

"Oh no no, ponies on my world are omnivores, same as humans." She grinned again, and I realized why her smile was so creepy; she had canines. Small ones, and barely noticeable among the flat teeth. In fact, her teeth looked more like those of a human than a pony. "It's just, when almost every animal can think and talk back, eating meat is very bad. Not to mention, when you are friends with Fluttershy, eating anything that can feel can get ugly really, really fast. There are a few things we eat, but it's rare and very expensive." She snagged a sausage link and popped it into her mouth whole. "So imagine my delight when I found an entire meat market!" The look on my face was one of horror and I think it finally sank in. She smiled sheepishly and relented in her tirade. "Uh, yea. But mostly, we are vegetarian." Scratching her head she looked confused a moment. "Except for Rainbow Dash. She says she's a vagitarian, whatever that is."

My spit-take was epic.

Sidestepping that social land mine, I attempted to change the subject as Pinkie totally ignored the juice now dripping off of her face. "So, you have mentioned your friends quite a bit. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Twilight. What are they like?"

"Oh! Yeah, we all got picked to be ambassadors to this new place, since we were already kinda famous and all. Twilight is off studying egghead stuff at some of the big colleges and scienc-y places. My friend Rarity is hanging with royalty over in Egg-land, and learning fashion stuff in Prance." I nodded, trying not to laugh as she got the names wrong. Applejack is doing farmer stuff, as usual. They wanna find out what kinda crops will grow in each world, so they can start trading them. Fluttershy stayed behind to watch all of our pets. They won't let her come here, and she is too afraid to come anyway. They are all worries she will join some guy named Peter, and use the stare on everypony. She's a big animal lover like that."

"I think you mean PETA," I replied with a chuckle.

"Yea them! They don't want her to go all psycho animal lover and brain wipe everypony into hugging puppies or something." She shuddered at the thought. "For being the kindest, gentlest pony in existence, Fluttershy can be scary sometimes."

Dreading the response, I warily prompted, "And Rainbow Dash?"

"Oh! Rainbow Dash is living in some place called Caulifloweria, doing all sorta shows and parades. She told me she 'finally found her people', whatever that means." Scratching her head, she cocked a questioning eye at me. "Are there pegasi in San Fajita? I thought there weren't any ponies in your world."

At this point I could barely hold back the laughs and tears were forming in my eyes. "Okay Pinkie, lemme just stop you there for a moment. First off, it's San Francisco, in California. Secondly, there are no ponies, at least not sentient ones, in our world. The only thing we have are small horses, and they are totally unrelated to you and your friends." I paused to catch my breath, still hurting from the suppressed laughter. "Finally, with a name like Rainbow, I am sure there are only one kinda people that would claim her as one of their own, and I know exactly the kind of parades she is in."

"Oh really? Are they pony parades? Do people worship rainbows and stuff there?" The innocent look was just too much and I finally broke down laughing. "What? Whats so funny? Tell me!"

After a few moments, I caught my breath and tried my best to explain. "Pinkie, San Francisco is notorious for having a rather large population of alternative lifestyle people."

The look of confusion remained.

"I think your friend is gay, Pinkie."

"Oh! Of course she's gay. All of my friends are happy, and I make it my personal mission to make sure they stay happy all the time!" The dawn of a new smile graced her face as she inflated with pride.

I'm sure I left a mark when I facepalmed. "No, Pinkie. I think she likes girls."

"Well of course she liked girls. Doesn't everypony?" Her look darkened, as she frowned at me. "You aren't one of those meanie girl-haters are you?"

"No Pinkie." I sighed, "I mean she REALLY likes girls, as in having relations."

"That's silly. She has a mom, and she's related, so of course she has relations." Crossing her hooves, she still looked at me puzzled.

"I dunno how not to be blunt about this, but I am all outta euphemisms." I threw up my hands in defeat.

"Ooh, Ruffie-isms? My friend Zecora told me about those." She shook her head at the memory. "She says they can make a pony do silly things, and bad ponies can use them on you to do bad things. But I tried them once with Dashie, and things got kinda warm and fuzzy. I don't know how I woke up in her bed, but she assures me we had a good time at the party." She paused for effect and stroked at an imaginary beard. "I mean I REALLY don't know how I got there since her bed is in a house made of clouds..."

She was cut off as my head hit the table with a resounding thunk. Finally I gave up being nice and just blurted it out, "SHE HAS SEX WITH FEMALES!"

The loud, shocked gasp made my head shoot up to look at her as she seemed to inflate, her eyes going impossibly wide. Suddenly like a switch was thrown, she returned to normal and smiled at me.

"Oh, I knew that. Everypony in Ponyville does, although we don't talk about it." Taking on a matter-of-fact tone, she nodded at me. "What happens once the barn door is closed is nopony's business."

I just stared in shock, my mouth moving silently for a moment before I got my bearings again. "Okay, moving on. I need to get ready for work, and I am totally stuffed. Thank you very much for this awesome breakfast, but this is far more than the two of us can eat." Waving at the massive spread, I grinned at my roommate.

"Oh, it's no problem! I love making food for my friends, because a full belly makes them happy!" She looked over the table with a widening grin and giggled just a bit too loudly. "I'll take care of the rest." And suddenly without warning I was in the middle of some sick hentai nightmare, as her mouth opened impossibly wide, and a massive orange tongue show out. It deftly circled the table, and withdrew into the gaping maw bringing all the remaining food with it. I admit, I screamed like a bitch, and may have peed myself just a little bit. That shit was scary!

Just as quick as it happened it was over, and my pink guest let out a massive belch, as she stared dazedly out at nothing. Her belly had grown massively distended, as if she were pregnant and about to give birth. When she patted her torso, it sloshed and jiggled grotesquely.

Suddenly her eyes grew wide again, and her irises contracted to pinpoints. "Uh-oh!"

"What?" I began backing away, afraid she was going to explode like some bad B-grade horror flick.

"Gotta poop!" was all I heard before she vanished in a pink blur towards her rooms, leaving the apron and chef hat spinning in the air like something out of a Warner Brothers cartoon. I heard the door slam, and a long low groan from down the hall. I couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh as I realized nothing horrific was going to happen to me.

I made my way to my own room, and started my preparations of work, glad the walls were thick enough to shelter me from the sounds down the hall. I couldn't help but think of the old Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." Living with Pinkie sure was going to be interesting indeed.

* * *

After my morning rituals, including a nice long hot shower, I was ready to face the day. There was no sign of my new house guest, and I assumed she had left for the job interview she had mentioned. I silently wished her the best of luck, knowing how hard the job market could be, and knowing that anyone not an ass-kissing corporate drone had an even harder time getting hired. Then again, she was a bit of a celebrity, so maybe she would get hired as a TV personality.

The daily commute was average, with its mix of old farts doing ten miles under the limit, and younger fucktards driving ten over, while texting. Soon it was over and I arrived at my glorious place of employment, Pencils. Sure, it was a corporate mega-store slowly crushing the American dream out of every small business owner with its bulk deals and cut-throat prices, but it paid my bills. Well, some of them. Fuck, I hate retail.

Putting on my well-worn fake smile, I strolled in nodding to my co-workers. There were the usual suspects, the overly cheerful cashier, the older-than-dirt customer service guy, the clueless manager. And then there was Don. Don is one of the smartest people I know, despite being younger than me, and the head of the electronics department. Don is a Brony. He's tried many times to get me to join his obsessive little club, and watch his favorite show. Granted, now much of the fandom revolves around reality shows filmed in the real Equestria, but most of the die-hards still wax nostalgic about the original show. Don wasn't one of those. He had embraced the new age of real ponies on earth, and renewed his efforts to get me involved. He was gonna have a cow when I broke the news.

My usual swagger brought me past the tech bench, where the cheerful smile of my brony friend was met with a wave. "Heya Don, how's it hangin?"

"Not bad Louis, how's the hunt for a new roommate?"

"Actually, it's going good, already got someone ready to move in. You will never guess who answered the ad." I leaned on the counter, and grinned mischievously.

"Oh really? That was fast. I thought you said it would take a week?" He fixed his glasses and leaned on the other side of the counter from me. "So, who is it, anyone I know? It's not that chick from the Copy Center is it?"

"Naw, it's a chick, but she doesn't work here. Pretty sure there's rules against it anyway. Lemme say though it's a new immigrant, and she's pretty famous." My smile grew as I saw the gears grinding in his head. He was gonna get it, he was smart like that.

"No way! You got a pony living with you?" My grin got even wider in response. I have this trick of making people piss themselves with my psycho grin. I was glad there were no customers around to see me now.

"Yes indeed, and I bet you're jealous aren't you?" I laughed at the look of shock on his face. "Even better, it's your favorite pony from the show!"

"Holy Shit!" he burst out, before catching himself and lowering his voice. "Holy shit, you got Rainbow Dash as a roommate?"

My smile dropped and I blinked for a moment. "What? No! I thought your favorite was Pinkie Pie?" I shook my head. "Shit man, you know I don't actually watch the show." His flinch told me I had said something wrong. "What?"

"Ouch dude. Pinkie Pie is the crazy one." He shook his head. "You know the comic relief spaz that is in every cartoon? That's Pinkie. There's still debate on whether she's schizo after what happened in Party of One. She kinda went insane for a while."

"What?" I shook my head. "She's a little high strung and spastic, but no different than half of our customers. She's actually quite friendly, and cute once you get know her. I think that..." I stopped talking at the look on my friend's face. "She's standing behind me, isn't she?" His slow nod was all the answer I needed.

Turning around I saw Pinkie wearing a frilly doll dress, blushing as she slowly ground a hoof on the floor and looking shyly at me with half lidded eyes. "You think I'm cute?"

I facepalmed as my friend started to burst into laughter. "Wait, what? That's not what I meant! I told you I'm not into hor-erm, ponies. I meant cute like a puppy. A very hyperactive puppy."

Her entire manner changed instantly, as she bounced into the air grinning. "Oh, can we get a puppy? I always wanted a cute little puppy to play fetch with and I really miss Gummy, my pet alligator, and we can take him on walks and take turns teaching him tricks and...mph!"

I managed to stop the bouncing and the verbal avalanche by grabbing her muzzle. She stared at me with wide eyes while still trying to grin around my hand. "No." Slowly I removed my hand, ready to staunch the flow of words again if needed.

"But, but..." she began to stammer.

"NO!" I firmly responded. "First off, there is no we. You are my roommate, and on probation at that. This is a business relationship. You pay rent, you get a room, and we try our best not to get on each other's nerves. Second, there is no way in hell I am letting some shoe-chewing, slobber-dripping, carpet-pooping flea farm into my house. Before my parents moved on, they left me that house, and made me promise to take care of it. It's all I have left, and I will not let it get destroyed by animals. No offense."

"Oh, I am so sorry! I never knew your parents were dead. And the house is all you have left to remember them!" The pink pony practically fell apart in front of me, beginning to tear up.

"Dude, I thought your parents moved to Boca?" Don was leaning over my shoulder looking at the distraught mare.

I rolled my eyes and took a deep sigh. "I never said my parents were dead. I said they moved on, as in retired. They worked in real-estate and own five houses. They just moved on to one in a better climate."

Again, as if a switch were thrown, the water works were gone and the happy smile was back. "Okay!" And suddenly I couldn't breathe as I was being violently hugged.

After prying the pink off of me, much to Don's amusement, I knelt down to look her in the eye. "So what brings you here? I'm about to clock in for work, so I can't hang out right now."

"Oh, I just came from my interview, and I saw you walk in here, so I decided to come in and tell you I got the job!" I just blinked, wondering how she got that all in one breath.

"So, um, congratulations. Where are you working?"

"Duhh? Party City!" She leaped into the air, and balloons flew out of her bags. I blinked for a moment stunned as I wondered how they got in there while fully inflated.

"Wait, as in the store next to us?" Her spastic nod was my response.

"Yea, isn't it cool? We can work right next to each other, and we can have lunch together, and I get to do what I have always been best at: Throwing parties!"

"Wow. So what will you be doing?" I just was having trouble seeing her being able to help much in retail.

"Well at first I'll be helping customers find stuff. They already got balloons and cards with my face on them." Under her breath she muttered darkly, "Although I think I need to talk to my lawyer about that." Then back to her normal self, "Later they want me to help with children's parties, as entertainment and planning games and such. I already had loads of people asking for me to throw them parties, and even this one creepy guy that wanted to have a private party." She scratched her head, and Don chuckled darkly as I facepalmed. "Although Susan said that wasn't the kinda parties we catered to, and that I shouldn't talk to that guy because he was a registered offender and she was gonna call the cops if he came back again."

"It sounds like Susan knew what she was talking about. There are some bad people out there, and you need to be careful." I tried my best to sound serious, when all I wanted to do was laugh. Don didn't have the same compunction, and was laughing his ass off.

"Yea, besides, I told him I am a pony, not a donkey, so I can't do that kinda show. Although I could probably get my friend Cranky to help out." At that point I just walked away, leaving a confused pony and a hysterically laughing human behind.

"That's it, I'm off to work!" and I headed towards the break room to change.

* * *

After returning from my transformation into a corporate drone, I found both Don and Pinkie absent. I was not surprised that my fellow wage slave jumped at the opportunity to fulfill his brony dreams of hanging out with a pony and clocked out before I was even on duty. Besides, I had a line of customers all crying for blood to attend to, and brainless managers to appease. It was a normal day in retail.

Soon enough the pathetic shift was over and the store was closed. I had rounded up the last of the mindless zombies that were haunting my store and made my department presentable. It was time to head home for some beer, and a little mindless web surfing to ease the pain of my existence. The drive was only mildly less annoying with the lack of fucktards on the road, but offset by the lurking cops and longer stop lights. Soon enough, home was within my grasp, and I was ready to unwind.

What I was not prepared for was an unlocked door, and a ransacked house. Unlike the morning's obsessive attention to detail and picturesque spread of food, I was instead greeted by a home defiled by half-assed decorations and a kitchen that looked as if someone had played a few games of _Call of Duty_ in it. With live hand grenades. There was a massive cake in the middle of my kitchen table, mostly frosted, but with utensils and batter strewn about. Balloons and streamers hung limply and half attached to random points around the room, as other viscera were plastered on the floor and walls. It was as if a fraternity had thrown the world's biggest kegger for a six year old girl, and then everyone had been evicted by the cops in the middle of the party.

Seriously, I can't even begin to make this shit up. My inner neat freak was about to explode and murder anyone it saw on its rampage to clean the mess I found. I was pissed. Someone... No, SomePONY was about the get the tip of my steel toes upside their colon. And then I would decide if I needed to call the cops, or the coroner. Maybe both.

Needless to say, I was starting to wonder what barbequed pony tasted like as I started to look for a broom to clean the mess, and was halted by the sound of a thump coming from my cabinets. I slowly reached for my mom's old cast iron frying pan as I carefully inched toward the door nearest my fridge. With a sudden motion, I yanked the door open and brandished the blunt object of pony slaying (+2) and yelled at the top of my lungs. I was met with a shelf full of pink fur, and some rather startled blue eyes.

"Surprise!" the compacted mare greeted me with a rather sheepish grin.

"Nope." I immediately closed the door, and turned to walk away. I was in no mood to deal with this kind of shit, and was willing to let it stay till morning.

"Um, help? Please?" The plaintive cry came from the cupboard as I began to walk away. "I'm kinda stuck. Oh please don't leave me. I really gotta pee!"

Stopping, I took a deep breath, then let it out in a long, weary sigh. Returning to the cabinet, I slowly opened it to reveal the wall of pink staring at me plaintively. I glared dispassionately at the lodged pony and cocked a cynical eyebrow.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Well, I sorta wanted to throw you a surprise party to celebrate moving in together, and me getting a job. I baked a cake like I usually do for my friends, and then hid in a small spot to surprise you. But it didn't work out like it usually does back home and I can't get out and nowIgottapeecanyoupleasegetmeout!" The verbal assault became more high pitched and frantic till the end.

"And what have you learned?" I casually asked, trying my best deadpan voice.

"Umm, surprise party magic doesn't work here?" the pink mare replied, pleading as best as she could.

"Good enough. Also, I hate surprises, so don't try this again." I sighed, trying to figure the best way to dislodge the parcel of fur from the compact space. I settled on pulling a hoof, oddly tucked under her chin. At first, she grunted, and squeezed her eyes shut in concentration, and then suddenly I felt something give as the entire bundle of furry pony popped free and landed on my chest, bowling me over.

"Thanks, Louie! I owe ya one! Gottapeebye!" She shouted as the pink blur vanished from my chest and off into the depths of the house.

Brushing myself off, I muttered to nobody in particular, "It's Louis. Stupid pony." and ambled over to inspect the cake. It was a rather sad looking thing, apparently made at least in part from ice cream. The supporting core must have melted, leaving it leaning dangerously to one side as the frosting and fondant tried desperately to hold it together. As I watched, one of the three layers made a break for it and slid to the table, and then onto the floor with a series of wet plops.

I shook my head in disdain as I surveyed the disaster. Streamers hung limply, weighted down by air-filled balloons. Confetti littered the floor and drifted forlornly from the cabinet I had rescued Pinkie from, looking like debris from a clown explosion as it fluttered across the room. I was staring a bit shell shocked at the mess, as well as the large banner that stretched across the room welcoming me home. My neat, orderly kitchen looked as if Mardi Gras had exploded, twice.

That was when I noticed the sobbing, and I was snapped from my stupor. Following it down the hall, I was led to Pinkie's bathroom. I could hear her crying over the sound of running water in the sink, and I decided to knock.

"You okay in there Pinkie?" I asked worriedly.

I heard the water stop, and a few sniffles, before receiving an answer. "Y-yes. Um... No. I-I'm sorry."

I sighed, and tapped again on the door, "Can I come in?"

I heard the toilet flush, and then the door opened to reveal a rather disturbing sight. The fluffy fur was still there, but her mane and tail were now straight and lifeless, while twin streams of dampness coursed down her face. The usual smile was also missing as she looked up to me with more tears in her eyes, threatening to overflow.

Kneeling down in front of her, I looked her in the eye. "What's wrong Pinkie? What happened?"

"I-I wa-was t-trying to throw you a p-party. *hic* B-but it all went wrong! I'm so sorry Louis, I don't know what went wrong." She began to sob again and I pulled her into a hug. I wasn't sure what else to do, but here was someone distraught and crying, so I did the first thing that came to mind.

"Just calm down. I'm not even mad, Pinkie, just a little confused." I sighed and stroked the limp hair as she slowly shook with sobs into my shoulder. "Just go slow and tell me what happened."

After a few more minutes, the sobbing stopped and she stepped away with red eyes and a face full of wet fur. Finally after a few deep breaths, she managed to find her voice and start her tale.

"Well, I wanted to throw you a party to thank you for letting me stay here, and to celebrate getting my new job. It's my special talent; throwing parties and making ponies smile. I do it all the time for my friends back home, but this time nothing would go right. First the balloons wouldn't float when I blew them up like back home, and then the cake got all melty when I put the ice cream in it. Also the streamers wouldn't stick right like they are supposed to. And then finally, when I was practicing hiding to surprise you when you got home, I got all stuck, and couldn't breathe, and I was so scared and had to pee and the darkness was so scaryandlaughingdidntmakethescarythoughtsinmyheadgoaway..."

I saw her start to panic as her breathing and talking went into overdrive. I pulled her into another hug until I felt her start to relax and her breathing returned to normal. Stroking her hair also seemed to help, and I had to admit it made me feel better. Maybe there is something to those people that say petting an animal helps you live longer. Finally I felt her pull away and I asked her if she was going to be okay. I got a shy nod in response, and gave her one last quick hug.

"Okay Pinkie." I took a deep breath to order my thoughts. "First of all, I understand you come from another world and all, so things that work there don't always work here I suppose. Blowing up balloons with your breath won't make them float, because your breath weighs the same as the air around you. You need something lighter, like helium." She nodded slowly, listening intently, and sniffling from time to time. "As for the cake, you need to keep the ice cream frozen until the last minute. Most ice cream cakes are all frozen. And finally, I have seen a few of the videos of the show your world is like. You may be like a cartoon character able to pop out of little places in your world, but whatever lets you do it there won't work here."

"But, I don't understand. Twilight said she can't cast magic here, but I don't have magic. I'm just an earth pony." Her voice was still strained from the crying, and the inability to do what came naturally to her seemed to be still taking its toll.

"Well maybe you can't cast magic, but there may be magic in your world you can't see that we don't have here. You just need to be more careful and learn what you can and can't do here." I shook my head again and smiled at the pink pony, receiving a smile in return. "So, don't worry about the party. I appreciate the thought, but I like my kitchen clean even more." Rolling my eyes to let her know I wasn't mad, I grinned even wider. "So just clean it up when you can, and we will call it all even, 'k?"

"Okie dokie, Loki!" she beamed and gave me a salute.

I bent down and gave her one last hug, and I swear I could actually see the hair on her head curling back into its normal shape. Suddenly I wrinkled my nose as I smelled something off, and pulled away from her. "Um, Pinkie, what's that smell?"

Her eyes went wide and her cheeks grew bright red as she jumped back in the bathroom, slamming the door in my face. "Sorry!"

"Dafuq, Pinkie? What's goin on?" I banged on the door again.

"Umm, remember when I said we don't usually eat meat because most ponies think it's bad? Well it turns out it _is_ bad to eat as much as I did this morning!" She sounded like she was about to have another breakdown from embarrassment, until I laughed. "What's so funny? This is gross!" I heard her spraying air freshener, as the toilet flushed again.

I continued to laugh, as I heard her muttering darkly from beyond the door. I recalled my cousin telling me about the time he ate entirely too much red meat after a hunting trip, and the resulting gas. It made me laugh that a pony suffered similarly. Yes, and I remembered what he called it. Pinkie had Deer Farts. And she most likely had the other problems that came from an abrupt change in diet. I continued to laugh as the toilet flushed again, and the dark muttering went on. I was still chuckling as I wandered into my room to unwind for the day.

This was going to be an interesting week.


	3. PFEPSOF

Pink Fluffy Earth Ponies Shedding on Furniture

The week after Pinkie Pie moved in was relatively uneventful. I spent my down time trying to learn more about my new roommate and her people. While some folks like Don were poring over every scrap of info concerning the pony visitors, I had mostly ignored it as the usual sensationalist news from around the world. I mean, I never thought I would even meet one, let alone live with one. Good old Goofle provided most of what I needed, and BluTube had several interviews and documentaries on them.

The first one was a interview with Twilight Sparkle and some famous anthropologist, and was a bit dry, but informative. As the purple princess sat down, I could see she had wings and a horn, and wore some silly dress that looked like it belonged on a doll. She smiled nervously, and she glanced towards the camera, but then fixed the usual celebrity fake smile on her face as the host welcomed her.

_"Thank you for being with us today, Princess Sparkle." The host was an elderly man, sounding slightly British. He reminded me of old animal documentary narrators._

_"Oh, it's a pleasure to be here today. And please, just call me Twilight." The lavender pony smiled brightly at the older human, and took a seat on the provided couch._

_"Yes, Twilight. So we are all very much interested in hearing about your home, a land of magic and rainbows. A land where friendship is a force and not just a concept. Tell us about your world. Is it truly magic?" The skeptical tone crept into his voice, and Twilight seemed to take it in stride._

_"Yes, professor, Magic is just as real in my world as Electromagnetism is in yours. It is a quantifiable force that is intrinsic to our reality. It also seems to be exclusive to the basic laws of our universe, and not found in yours, so I can understand the skepticism."_

_"Yes, there is a quote from one of our greatest minds that goes: 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.' So we have found in our pursuit of knowledge that almost every force once believed to be magic in our world has eventually been revealed to be science that was merely misunderstood." Warming up to the discussion, the older professor started to become more animated, and less aware that he had a rather large audience watching them._

_Twilight as well seemed to lose her nervousness and take on a scholarly tone of her own, lecturing proficiently on the subject at hand. "Oh we have has similar statements said by some of our great minds, and in the past it was mostly true. Much of the way things work were labeled as magic, but later became understood as the nature in which our world works. But the more we understood, the more we came to recognize that there is actually a measurable force behind what became known as true magic. It is the force that lets us defy the other basic laws of reality and alter it to the will of the caster." She paused for a moment, taking on a wry smile. "Sadly, very few creatures in our world can consciously wield true magic, so it is still largely unexplored. Even among us Ponies, only the unicorns," She chuckled dryly at herself. "and the rare Alicorn, like myself, that can control it to any measurable degree."_

_"I see. So why is it that you say that magic is unique to your world? Are the laws of the universe not constant?" A flawless setup for the next part of the discussion. It was clear this guy knew his way around an interview._

_"And excellent point, and for the most part it's true. The laws of the universe are constant, within that universe. We have come to the conclusion that Equestria must lay outside the universe that earth resides in. The moment we enter the portal to earth, magic users can no longer cast or detect magic. Telekinesis seems to still work, since it is apparently separate from the higher functions of magic manipulation, and in fact there are reports of humans having the gift." Waving a hoof at the skeptical look of her host, she amended, "So I have read. I still have not met any humans that can do it. On the other hoof, we found that any electronics more advanced than a basic vacuum tube cease to function in Equestria. All the fancy gadgets that humans have come to rely on just won't work over there, and nopony has been able to determine why. It's theorized that the electromagnetic force operates differently or is weaker somehow in the presence of the stronger magical force that is found in our universe." Beaming proudly at her explanation, the princess seemed totally in her element as she rambled on._

Thankfully, the rather boring discussion was interrupted by a knock on my door. Pinkie had learned rather painfully to knock before entering my room, no matter if the door is open or not. Or whether or not it was locked, with a 'do-not-disturb' sign, barbed wire, and a flaming pit of rabid piranha. Personal space is valuable to us humans, and if she ever wanted her mane to grow back right, she would respect mine.

I told her to come in, and she opened the door with a hoof, while holding a pink coffee mug labeled 'Best Pony' in her other hoof. I blinked in confusion on how a quadruped could even do that while remaining upright.

Ignoring my baffled stare, she casually took a sip from and looked around my room. "Whatcha up to Louis?"

"Oh, I was just watching some videos on ponies. I figured since I am living with one, I may as well learn more about them. You. More about you. How the hell are you doing that?" I floundered, pointing at the mug.

Looking at the mug, she crinkled her muzzle in confusion. "What, drinking coffee? It's good! Especially with cocoa in it! We really need to serve this at Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes would make a fortune waking ponies up in the morning."

"No, I mean how the hell are you holding the mug with a hoof? You don't even have any fingers."

"Oh that! Yeah, the guys in quarantine really freaked out the first time they saw it. Ponies don't have fingers, but with cloven hoofsies, and our thumb we can hold stuff." She looked confused a moment. "I mean my thumb. No, no, it's thumb." Looking even more confused she stared at the offending limb. "That's funny, whenever I try to say thumb, the spell makes it come out as thumb! Thumb! Thumb! Thumb!" Giggling, she waved her hoof at me. I could see that it looked more like a deer or goat hoof than a horse, and where the center 'frog' area was normally hollow, there seemed to be a dark rubbery pad. To my surprise, as I stared at the pad, it wiggled and flexed away from the hoof like the thumb on an oven mitt. It was clear that it was not as flexible as a real human thumb, but could possibly allow for some ability to grab small objects.

"We have a different name for it, but I guess it must not translate well. The spell keeps making me call it a thumb." Shrugging, she took another sip of her coffee, shuddering in pleasure as her eyes half lidded. "Ahhh, that's the good stuff!"

Suddenly it clicked what was really bothering me. "Wait, you said spell. What spell? I was just watching your friend, the princess, say that magic doesn't even work here. And you yourself were having a breakdown the other day that you couldn't do magic. You're one of them earth ponies, right? And only unicorns can do magic."

"Of course I can't do magic, silly. But my friend, Twilight told me that while she can't cast magic over here, whatever spells she casts in Equestria will keep working over here, as long as she puts enough power into it. And believe me, she has more than enough power! She was like a super egghead unicorn before she ever became an alicorn princess." This was followed by another sip and shudder, as the smile grew on her face. I would have to keep an eye on her coffee intake, lest I find that it's some sort of addictive narcotic to ponies. Do they even have a Caffeine Anonymous?

Meanwhile the gears were turning in my head. Magic didn't work over here, but enchantments cast beforehand did? This was some choice information that I filed away for later research.

"Hold on, you said you were in quarantine? What , were you sick or something?" I cringed back in horror. "You don't have some sorta Pony Flu do you?"

Pinkie rolled her eyes and giggled at my reaction. "No, silly. I'm as healthy as a horse. Or a pony. Or a really healthy pony-sized horse." She paused to think, looking adorable with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth. "Anyway, they said they had to test to make sure we wouldn't get sick on earth, or that we wouldn't get you all sick. It was boooring! They kept us in these small rooms for weeks before they found out we were safe."

"Hmm, hold on, I think I read something about that." I turned back to the computer to search 'pony quarantine' and found the article. I hadn't really read it back then, thinking it was something to do with livestock, or mad cow disease. I quickly skimmed the article finding the relevant details.

_"Experts theorized that one of several scenarios would happen. One was the possible 'War of the Worlds' theory, where the newcomers would be completely undefended against even the most common of bacteria, and would die from the common cold or something similar. This would make visitation between worlds almost impossible, for fear of cross infection. The other theory was called the 'Columbus Scenario'. This idea stated that exposure to our world would in fact render them stronger than us, and generate a social imbalance. The visitor would be barely affected by the new environment, while the diseases they carried would spread and wipe out the natives. As it turned out the truth was neither. The genetic makeup of both species rendered them totally incompatible with the flora they each carried. Ponies could not catch anything from earth , and vice versa. In addition, ponies were immune to many toxins, such as poison ivy and many other plants. Humans however were still quite susceptible to Equestrian plants, as was evidenced by one researcher being turned from a man, into a female anthropomorphic rabbit. It was a rather large surprise to all parties involved as this was revealed to be his secret fetish. A large movement to immigrate to Equestria was later curtailed when it was revealed that the effects of the plant were random and uncontrollable. The group of humans calling themselves 'Furries' were the most disappointed."_

At my side, I heard a sound of disgust, followed by a shudder. I looked down to see Pinkie making a face while reading the screen. "What?"

"Oh, sorry. I know most humans are nice and all, and the ones that call themselves Bronies kinda worship us." She paused to roll her eyes at me. "But those furries kinda creep me out. I saw pictures, and they are really, really creepy."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. Having been around the internet most of my life, I had seen many things, and I understood the reaction. No matter how nice and well meaning any group is, there will always be those fringe weirdos that make the rest look bad.

"Well if it's any consolation, even most of the furries are creeped out by it. Every group has its extremists that take things too far." I gently patted the pony on her head. "I'm sure there's even some ponies that would want to have sex with humans too."

Looking up at me with a horrified expression, Pinkie took a step back. "Who said anything about sex? I'm okay with that. Like I told you, nopony's business what happens in the bedroom. I'm just disgusted by those freaky _Fursuiters_." She gave a mock gag and a shudder to emphasize her point. I lost control and laughed myself hoarse while Pinkie stared on in dismay.

"It's not funny! Have you seen those things? It's like the world scariest clown costume, made out of your best friend's corpse! They give me nightmares. NIGHTMARES I tells ya!" Closing her eyes, she slugged back the last of her coffee and made a face.

Meanwhile, I grinned evilly as I pulled up something truly sadistic. Anthrocon. The screams could be heard blocks away.

* * *

After I managed to talk Pinkie out of the closet she had hidden herself in, I got ready for work. I swear, they make the schedules with a dart board every week, and I never know what shift I am going to get each day. Tonight it was closing shift, so I ran off to sell office equipment to the consumer sheep at low, low prices and be bitched at by my boss for not selling enough warranties. Or tune ups. Or whatever stupid thing the company decided it desperately needed to focus on while ignoring everything else this week. Yay, retail.

So the day went surprisingly fast for a change, with lots of work to do and very few customers. I cherished days like this, when I got to feel I was actually doing something instead of spinning in place trying to do twelve things at once and failing at all of them. Pinkie was lucky to have the day off, so I was prepared for another surprise party or some other shenanigans as I made my way home. I have to admit, as much as she frustrated me with her zany weirdness, she was starting to grow on me, and I secretly was starting to enjoy the break from the ennui that was my life. not that I would ever tell her that. I enjoyed being the Ricky to her Lucy. Every goofball needed a straight man.

I was not, however, prepared to what greeted me when I returned home. Remember those thongs I mentioned the ponies wearing? Yes, it was pretty much the only clothing they wore all the time, and one of the few things that let the normally prudish American media accept them so easily. Well suddenly I was face to face with one as I opened my door. I blinked a moment before I realized what it was, then quickly sidestepped as I entered. The sight that lay before me was like something out of a porno clothing designer's nightmare. It was as if a thong factory had exploded in my home. Every surface of my home was covered in pink furry thongs. I think I even saw a few black ones, which really made me shudder to think of the implications.

What was worse, it seemed even the spaces in between were covered in pink fur. My house had become the world's largest shag carpet. I know it's cliché, but I freaked.

"PINKIE PIE!" I screamed like a bad cartoon villain. I was beyond upset, I was pissed off. And I was more than a little grossed out. I was really hoping that all of these undergarments were clean.

"In the kitchen Louis!" The sound of water splashing accompanied the high pitched voice of my roommate.

I slowly crept across the room, trying to avoid touching any of the suspicious garments. What I found in my kitchen was equally as baffling. All across the room were strings of pink thongs, and in the middle of it all stood an equally bizarre sight. Pinkie was on a stool at my sink, happily washing something, while wearing what looked like a pair of my boxers. What was even stranger is how she appeared to have either lost some sort of bet, or really pissed off a barber. All over her body were smooth patches of fuzz as if she had been shaved, leaving behind random swaths of thick fur.

I may not have explained it well, but the ponies are not the smooth coated creatures from the show. Apparently their world was sort of like Australia, with the seasons reversed from my home hemisphere. So while it was early summer here, it was mid-winter in Equestria. As a result, Pinkie's coat looked more like a llama or a sheep than a pony. Unless you count those furry steppe ponies I saw on International Photographic.

And now, apparently she was shedding her thick winter coat. All over my house. I was not amused.

"Pinkie! What the unholy FUCK are you doing? Why had my house turned into 'Day Off at the Pink Brothel'? And for the love of Jim Henson, why the hell are you naked?"

I have to admit, she at least had the decency to blush and look embarrassed, which I could now more clearly see through the gaps in her fur.

"Oh, but I'm always naked, silly! Well, except for my fundies!" Again she looked confused, and scratched her head. "Hmm, I guess that's another word that doesn't translate. But anyway, It's wash day, and I needed to get them all washed since I was all outta clean ones." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "And wouldn't you know it, my coat decides to pick today of all days to start shedding! I mean UUGH! I hate shedding, it gets all over everything, and it's so itchy, and suddenly I get chilly at random times until I get used to my new coat, and then I have to groom for a week until it all starts growing right!"

I just stared at her, and deadpanned, "Really? Seriously Pinkie, what are you, a fuckin cat? Are you gonna start clawing my furniture? I already told you I don't want any animals because they ruin my house!"

"Oh please Louis, don't be mad at me! I promise I will clean this all up, and it only lasts a few days until I am all done shedding. I won't be a bother, I Pinkie Promise!" She started to tear up and her lower lip trembled, as she gave me the most comical set of puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. It took every bit of control not to burst out laughing. "Please don't kick me out, Louis! I really like having you as my friend, and living here, and I got no place else to go!"

I broke. Plopping in the nearest chair, I put my face in my hands and laughed. I think that scared her more than anything, as she was backing away with a terrified expression when I looked up.

"Seriously, Pinkie. What the fuck am I gonna do with you? You are so annoying, and yet you are retardedly cute. Not to mention just plain ol' regular retarded at times."

She seemed to cheer up a bit as she smiled and stepped closer. "So does that mean you aren't mad?"

"Oh, I'm mad. I'm fuckin furious. But at the same time, I haven't laughed this hard in years." I shook my head and looked around the room. "I mean, seriously? Why the fuck are you using my sink to do laundry, and why the FUCK is it hanging all over my damn house?" I stood up and pointed at one of the more offending pieces. "AND WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THE UNHOLY FUCKS DO YOU OWN THAT?"

Her head spun around to a pair of black lace panties, with a functional hole for the tail. Next to it was a garter belt, and a pair of fishnet stockings. Once again, I got to see about half of her body blush as she looked at the floor while rubbing her hooves together. "Weeelll… A girl likes to feel sexy some times. And besides, how else so you wash cloths?"

I collapsed back into the chair and buried my face in my hands again. "Seriously Pinkie. There is a name for all this. They are called 'Unmentionables' for a reason. This brings new meaning to the term 'airing your dirty laundry'. No offense, but it's literally a side of you I do not need to see." I sighed and looked up again at the now shamefaced pony. "And finally, you use the clothes washer and dryer. THAT is how you wash your… things."

"Wait, you have something that does that?" Her eyes lit up with wonder, and I almost gave myself a bruise by facepalming.

"Yes Pinkie, we do. So first I am going to show you how to use it, and then you are going to start cleaning up this mess. I do not want to find a single pink hair by tomorrow."

Once again, I was tackle-hugged by the pink furball, although now she was more of a fuzzball. "Oh thank you! Does this mean I can stay?"

"Yes Pinkie, you can stay." I felt her grip get even stronger, and I started to have trouble breathing for a moment, before she let go. I was finally teaching her some restraint with her manic hugging.

"And Pinkie?" I deadpanned.

"Yes, Louis?" She smiled brightly and even fluttered her eyes at me. This earned her an eye roll from myself.

"Next time, I would appreciate it if you ask before you borrow my boxers." I gave her a wry smile.

"Eheheh. Oopsie. Sorry about that." And again, the adorable blush. I sighed and ambled off to show her the wonders of modern laundry.

* * *

So a few hours later, the laundry was washed and dried, the house was vacuumed, having only emptied the chamber three times. I was ever so grateful for finally having a use for the extra furniture attachments, and Pinkie's antics were worth a weary chuckle as she tried them on her own fur. I found myself wearily nodding off on the couch in front of the TV, not really paying any attention to whatever was on when I was prodded awake by a pink hoof.

"Huhwha? Sup, Pinkie." I half yawned.

"Umm, Louis? You are my friend, right?" I nodded sleepily. "And friends do each other favors, right?" Again I nodded, too tired to think of anything else yet. "I need you to do me a really really big favor. Please?"

"Ya sure, Pinks. Whatcha need?"

Suddenly my vision was filled by a wall of pink, with a fuzzy pink doughnut stuck to it. I blinked a moment before my brain kicked into gear and the pattern recognition part of it delivered a rather frantic report on what I was seeing.

"Ahh! For fucks sake, Pinkie! Get your damn pony pucker outta my face, and get some fuckin clothes on!" I screamed, and shoved the offending wall of fur out of my face in disgust. "I was right, you are part cat, aren't you? Fuckin shoving your ass in people's face! UGH! That's disgusting."

"Oh please Louis, I need your help! It itches so bad, and I can't reach my tushie! I can brush my mane, tail and front hoofsies, but I can't reach my bottom to groom the shedding fur!" She emphasized the point by rubbing her rear end on the floor like a dog with worms, and I could see a clear trail of pink fur being left behind where we had just finished cleaning.

I quickly grabbed a magazine off the coffee table and rolled it up, bopping her on the head. "NO! Bad Pinkie! We don't do that on the clean carpet!" I sighed and sat back down on the couch as she looked at me plaintively. "So you need me? How the hell do you do this back home then?"

"Ooh, I usually go to the salon like most earth ponies, or have my friends help me brush it out. We don't have magic like the unicorns, or grabby wings like the pegasi. We kinda learn to look after each other and stuff. It's a great bonding thing." And again the puppydog eyes. "And you said you are my friend, so I really really need your help right now because it itches so bad and I can't sleep and I'm just gonna shed more and make your house a mess again and you will get mad at me and not wanna be my friend anymore!"

Through this entire rant I just stared at her. From the outside it may have looked as if I was a heartless, uncaring bastard. The truth was actually that I was still half asleep, and the gears in my head full of sand as they ground slowly to a useable conclusion.

"So let me get this straight. You want me to help you brush your ass, because you can't reach it and it itches. And if I do, you will stop shedding all over the place and go to sleep?" I could swear I heard marbles bouncing in her head as she vigorously nodded.

Sighing with the weariness of the damned, I rolled my eyes heavenward and silently prayed for strength. "Get the brush."

Happily she bounced off to her room, coming back with an odd brush in her mouth and looking like a giant pink puppy playing fetch. I patted my lap, and she pounced on me, flopping across my legs. I winced a bit at her weight, then wiggled myself to get comfortable before taking the brush from her.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! I need this so much!" I just rolled my eyes again and considered spanking her with the brush, before deciding that may give the wrong idea after seeing what was in her wardrobe. No sir, not into pink pony paddling here.

Looking over the brush, I saw it was some sort of grooming tool, with long metal spines and rounded tips to keep it from scratching. It must have been brought from home, or bought from a pet shop. Beginning to work on the remaining patches of fur, I found it worked pretty well at pulling away the thicker fur while leaving the shorter fuzzy coat behind.

"Ya know, I can't help but wonder if people would pay for some of this stuff." I grinned as the thought hit me, and received a giggle in response. "Imagine, a genuine pony-fur scarf! I bet that designer friend of yours would love that idea."

"Ooh, you're right! And it would be so much better than just stuffing toys with it. Although I would have to find something else to make my toys so fluffy!"

"Oh, you bake, throw parties AND make toys?" I pondered as I continued to groom the more sensitive parts of my patient. I couldn't help but notice how she twitched as I groomed over her cutie mark.

"Of course I make toys! What kinda birthday party would it be if you didn't get gifts? And I make sure every gift I give has a little bit of me in it."

"That is awfully sweet of you Pinkie." I gave her a one-armed hug from behind.

In response, I got a giggle which morphed into a huge yawn. The conversation lulled as we were both very tired, and I mechanically continued brushing the soft pink butt-fur of my friend. The absurdity of it all didn't even register due to my exhausted state, until I noticed that Pinkie had began to purr.

"Yep, definitely part cat." I muttered quietly. Soon after, the purring faded into a light snoring, and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep myself, warm with my very own pony blanket across my lap.


	4. The Heat is On

The Heat is On

_The fact of the matter is, we really do not know what these creatures are. They resemble the cartoon characters from the show My Little Pony, and it was the intention of the fans that opened the portal to their world to find this same land of Equestria. And yet, they did not find a land of cartoony creatures, but a real living ALIEN world. Even the use of the word 'pony' is only a side effect of the translation spell they use to communicate with us, and it has been proven that some words just do not translate, and are instead substituted. In short, we do not even know what they call themselves. They certainly are not ponies in relation to how they exist in our world. They more closely resemble earth's deer or llamas on first glance, and only roughly resemble the cartoon characters that represent them._

_The reality is that they are actually inter-dimensional aliens and have nothing in common with any living creature in our world, besides a shared intelligence and personality traits. Their acceptance has caused a strange rift in our culture, not just in the expected concepts of our being alone in the universe, but also in the very definition of intelligence. _

_Strangely they have integrated themselves into many areas, gaining friends with a flawless ease, while the opposing human numbers in Equestria has dwindled as it is found that many humans just cannot adapt to the social environment of the pony world. Many are politely asked to leave after proving to be too violent for the peace-loving ponies. In fact, more humans are now living with the more aggressive griffons than the ponies they originally traveled to meet. The ponies, however have been coming to earth in ever increasing numbers, and making friends wherever they go. Even the detractors are oddly non-confrontational when presented with the brightly covered visitors. _

_The small number of anti-Equestrian groups have presented arguments that the ponies are looking to colonize our world and take it over for themselves, and fear that there is some nefarious scheme at work. Then there are the religious zealots that claim the ponies are an abomination to their beliefs and that only man is fit to be given any rights. And yet oddly enough, even the most fervent of detractors fail to raise a hand against the peace-loving creatures. Strangely enough they have instead directed their ire towards the many pro-Equestrian supporters. Fights have broken out between various human groups, while the ponies stand nearby, either unwilling or unable to intervene. _

_There are, of course, exceptions. Several of the more affluent members of the pony community have been known to step in. The ambassador Rainbow Dash, in particular, has been known to often get physically violent in the defense of anyone she sees as her friends. When a certain anti-gay group attempted to crash a peaceful pro-gay rally, she was seen knocking many of them to the ground, and standing in the way of the more violent offenders. It wasn't until her friends physically pulled her from the fray that she finally relented, just before the authorities arrived._

_In addition, a farming community was defended by Ambassador Applejack when a large corporation attempted to annex prime farm land for building a mall. She was fined damages to much of the equipment that she had destroyed, despite the fact that it was later found the building permits had been illegally obtained._

_In conclusion, there is still much to be learned about and from these furry visitors to our world. And more importantly, we must always remember that no matter how much they may appear to be gentle animals with colorful coats, they are in fact highly intelligent and completely alien beings from a totally different reality than us. Take nothing for granted, for we are still learning how the two species will integrate in the future._

_-Dick Chambers, BBC News_

* * *

As I finished the article, I heard another tap on my door frame and turned to see a much changed Pinkie Pie. A trip to a nearby pet groomer had gotten the last of her shedding coat removed, and her new fuzzy coat smooth and shining. Meanwhile, a trip to the hair salon had her mane and tail back to it's normal incredible mass of curls, only slightly mussed by a case of bed-head. Topping it off was her own pair of boxers, for when she wanted to go commando around the house, as well as a new pajama shirt that made her look absolutely adorable. If she was a plush toy I would be hard pressed to not hug her.

I was just glad that we wouldn't have to worry about the normal female problems and the resultant mess. Boxers and thongs were one thing, but the particular anatomy of female ponies made things like tampons rather impractical. She assured me that ponies on her world were similar to ours in that they had a brief annual heat lasting about a week, during which hormones went wild and stallions were stalked like prey. They even had a cute name for it, calling it 'Hearts and Hooves Day'. I guess it was supposed to be similar to our Valentine's day, but the way she talked about it made it sound like an Amazonian Man Hunt. Pinkie assured me that the event was months off, and that she already had plans to return to Equestria to 'Squeeze her Main Cheese'. I have no idea what that means, but I am honestly too afraid to ask. Until then, she would be happily sporting her new boxers around the house, and her traditional pony thongs in public.

"Heyas Louis, more pony news?" The normal bright smile lit up her face, and I could swear the coffee cup had grown in size.

"Yea, looks like your friend, Rainbow Dash, got in some trouble again. Some idiots were trying to pick a fight and she obliged." I scooted over to show her my screen, and took a sip of my own morning beverage. It was my day off, and Pinkie was on late shift herself, so another shared morning at home. That being said, my coffee was a bit more "Irish" than hers. I had not yet introduced her to the wonders of alcohol, and was too afraid to try. Seriously, if this was her with inhibitions, what would a buck wild Pinkie be like?

As she sidled beside me to read the article, I heard her giggle, and take a big gulp of her coffee. "Yeah that sounds like Rainbow Dash alright. Always here for her friends, but a bit too eager to get rough. Her and Applejack are alot alike. I prefer to sing and dance to make ponies stop fighting. Like when I helped in Appleoosa!"

I couldn't help but notice that Pinkie's failure to understand the concept of personal space was starting to reassert itself, as I distinctly felt her start rubbing up against me while she read the article on the screen. It became even more uncomfortable as she lay her head in my lap and started to hum to herself, while still rubbing on me like an over affectionate feline. Finally my comfort levels bottomed out as I heard a distinct wet popping noise, like someone pulling a lollipop from their mouth.

"Uh, Pinkie, did you just fart on me?" I turned to look behind her, from where the sound came.

"Huh, what?" She blinked up at me, seeming to come out of a self absorbed daze.

*Shhpop!* The noise sounded again, definitely coming from my pink companion.

"Oh no. Nonononono!" She seemed to panic as her face turned red, and her eyes grew wide. "It's too soon! Much much too soon!" She turned to look back over her shoulder, as the blush spread over her body. Suddenly she looked back at me and my confused expression, a look of horror spreading across her face. And then just like that, she was gone in a flash, the dull clunk of the heavy coffee mug hitting my carpet and the sound of her door slamming marking her departure at almost the exact same time. I was rather grateful that the mug was empty, but my roommate's reaction and sudden departure had me a bit worried.

Hopping out of my chair, I hurried to Pinkie's room and knocked, getting no answer at first.

"Go 'WAY!" I heard the plaintive cry from inside the room, urging me to knock harder.

"C'mon Pinkie, what the hell is wrong?"

"Lemm 'lone, I-I'm, uhh... naked!" Again the plaintive wail.

"Seriously, Pinkie. I've seen you naked it's nothing new." I sighed and banged on the door again. "Hell, you're mostly naked all the time, so cut the bull and open the door!" I was greeted with silence from beyond the portal.

After a few more minute of waiting, I finally heard the lock click on the door, as it opened a crack. "Louis, I'm scared." Like a little child, the pink mares voice creeped through the crack in the door as a lone blue eye stared at me with an intensity that outshone even Pinkie's normal manic nature.

"Seriously, Pinkie. Stop fucking around and tell me what's wrong. You want me to be your friend, but I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong." I growled in frustration, lowering myself to the floor to better look her in the eye.

"P-promise you won't freak out?" she whispered to me.

"I'm not gonna freak out."

"Please don't freak out."

"I'm not freaking out, Pinkie" I was however losing my patience.

"Okay, as long as you don't freak out." She mewled.

"I'M NOTFREAKING OUT!" I bellowed. I had just about enough of her shit.

"Sorry!" She flinched, and then slowly opened the door. "I..." She hesitated, losing her nerve.

"Any day now, Pinkie." I started to drum my fingers on the floor as I glared at her. "This better be good."

"I'm going into heat!" All in a rush she spit the words out like they were burning her mouth. I just stared at her and stopped tapping my fingers while she looked at the floor and rubbed a hoof on the carpet.

"You what? Isn't that supposed to be months away?" I sighed, partially relieved that she wasn't dying or something tragic.

Still unable to look me in the eye, she continued to worry a hole in my carpet with her hoof. "Yea, normally. But like my shedding, I think the change on climate has messed things up, and it's come early. And now I don't have time to get back to Equestria before I start going all crazy."

"Really? I've had a girlfriend before, they are all crazy at that time of the month, but it's nothing serious." I rolled my eyes and leaned back on my hands. "Just take some Yourdol and stay away from the knives. You will be fine."

"No, no, no. It's much worse for ponies. Mares kinda go crazy until they find a mate. We will do anything, say anything. I totally lose control. It's bad. Like Discord bad." Her eyes began to get a bit of manic gleam to them as she started staring at me.

"The douchebag god of asshattery from your world? I remember you telling me he turned your friends all emo." I shrugged my indifference. "Doesn't sound too bad to me."

"You don't get it! It can get really bad. Trust me." She pleaded until I sighed.

"Fine, so what do we do about it?" I threw my hand up in consternation, trying to appear like I was taking this seriously. I mean, how bad can it possibly get if they make a holiday around it?

"Umm, you gotta keep me safe, keep me locked up, and whatever you do keep me away from any males!" She grabbed my shirt collar and wrung it desperately.

"One problem Pinkie, I am a male, remember?" I raised an eyebrow that even Mister Spek would be proud of.

Suddenly her eyelids drooped and a slow smile crawled across her face. It was creepy as fuck, as she leaned closer to me. "Yes, you are, aren't you?" Suddenly she leaned forward and planted a kiss on my lips. I tried to pull away, but she had an iron grip on my shirt, and suddenly it wasn't so damn amusing.

I managed to get my feet up and push her away from me, knocking her back inside her room with a loud thud. Before I could get back to my feet, she was on hers and grinning madly at me. I did the first thing I could think of and grabbed for the door, pulling it shut just in time to feel the impact of my attacker shake the frame.

"Pinkie! What the fuck is wrong with you?" Not the brightest of questions, with the answer being rather obvious, but I was in a bit of shock from being suddenly kissed by an oversexed pony.

"Oh c'mon Louie! I know you want it." I heard her breathily purr through the door. "I've seen the pictures on your computer of all the sexy mares!" A loud thump shook the door again. "What's wrong, ain't I sexy enough for ya?"

"Seriously Pinkie, knock it off. The only reason I have ever had that shit on my screen is because my asshole friend, Don, thinks it's funny to send me those pics." Rolling my eyes I thumped back on the door with a fist. "I am not, never have been, nor ever will be attracted to ponies, or any other furry creature." I sighed in frustration. "Okay, maybe some of those anime catgirls are a bit sexy, but that's where I draw the line, and I still probably wouldn't fuck one." Probably.

"Yoooou got the furry feeeeveeerr!" The deranged voice drifted from the room in a sing-song tone. "Loooouie has the fuuury feeeveeeer! And my booty is what he wants to saaaavooor! Taste my pooony flaaaavooor! COME ON LOUIE, LIGHT MY FIRE!" The tune ended with her beating repeatedly on the door.

I took a step back, eyeing the door with worry. My father was an architect that grew up in the fifties, and used the bankroll from a few government contracts to build this house, and kickstart his career as a real estate agent. The house was built like a bomb shelter, and not much short of a blasting charge was going to break down the door. He taught me well that doors are always seen as the weak points in a defense. Everyone went for the doors, and only another engineer like him would think of walls as the real weak points in a building. And yet... the door shook violently in it's frame as the small pink mare jackhammered on it with her hooves.

"Please Louie! I neeeed you! It's burning me up and I need it sosososo very baaad!" Now gone from seductive, to crazed, and finally crying plaintively, her voice grated at me as the door shook. "I thought you were my friend, Louie! Friends help each other. Friends love each other. WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME LOUIE!"

"Bitch, you are fuckin crazy if you think I am going near you. So just calm the fuck down and let me find a doctor, or a vet, or something." I walked back into my room, and plopped down at the computer, and fired up Goofle. A quick search of 'ponies in heat' brought me nothing but porn. I mean seriously, what the actual fuck. Not even the drawn artwork that preceded the opening of the portal, but now real live pony porn, with real Equestrian ponies. Not all of the actors were ponies either. Apparently it was no longer being labeled as beastiality, but instead was being advertized as xenophilia. A quick side search found an article explaining how there were no laws yet governing xenophilia, although several religious groups were fighting tooth and nail to get them passed.

Wow. Just fucking wow.

Suddenly I notice that I have an email waiting for me, marked urgent. Who the hell actually marks shit urgent, other than spammers? Out of curiosity, I open it anyway, and my jaw slowly hangs open as I realize who it is from.

_Dear Louis,_

_ You do not know me, but I have heard a great many things about you from my dear little pony, Pinkie Pie. She speaks highly of you and your friendship in this strange new world, and how you have welcomed her into your home. While all of my little ponies are special to me, Pinkie and her friends hold a special place in my heart and it would grieve me greatly if anything was to befall them. Pinkie in particular is a special mare in that she is a fragile being, driven by joy and needing friendship as much as others need air to survive. She is one of the most dedicated and loving beings I have ever met in my very long life, and I pray that you and her become the closest of friends._

_ That being said, we have come to a bit of a crisis. It has been brought to my attention that the change in climate has conspired with other factors in this alien world of yours to afflict my little ponies with a condition most dire. _

I paused to snort at this. "No shit, Lady."

_While the condition will only be brief compared to it's normal duration, it will be extremely severe due to being away from their home. I beg you to please do whatever it takes to help my little pony in her time of need, and to guide her through this crisis._

"Dafuq?" She's not saying what I think she is... Is she?

_I would never ask that you do anything that you would find distasteful or not feel comfortable with, but I do hope that you can find it in your heart to help the poor soul that has put so much love and trust into your friendship._

"Aww fuck, she is." I felt like channeling my inner black man with a mighty 'Aww hell naw!'

_However, if you find yourself unable to comfort poor Pinkie Pie yourself in her hour of desperate need, I have sent to you an alternative that should suffice to help her through her trial. The medicine should ensure a fast recovery, and allow the condition to pass after only a day, and the other equipment will allow Pinkie to relieve some of the suffering she is going through. Please get them to her as soon as they arrives._

_ I will be forever in your debt, as will Pinkie herself if you can find it in your heart to assist her this day. I assure you it will pass soon, and your bonds of friendship will be all the stronger for it._

_Best wishes and thanks,_

_Princess Celestia Aurora Solis_

As I finished the email, a feeling of cold dread settled over me. The princess of the ponies was actually asking me to... What the fuck? And then the trickle of dread turned into fear as I realised that the room was quiet. I could no longer hear the cries or banging of Pinkies struggles in the next room. A chilling silence had descended and I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as I slowly turned around in my chair.

There was nothing there.

"You smell nice." I heard the voice in my ear as the warm breath crawled across the back of my neck.

"What the fuck!" I jumped out of my chair, tripping over my own feet and tumbling onto the floor. I felt like a victim in some B horror flick as I rolled over and started crawling backwards from my attacker. What I saw made my blood run cold and I almost pissed myself in fear. Pinkie's normal cheerful smile was now a massive tooth filled grin that looked as if it was trying to rip her face in half, while her normally curly hair was now straight and limp like some Japanese horror film ghost. But most shocking of all was her eyes. Now glassy and red from crying, the iris was all but invisible as they contracted to pinpricks around her pupils.

Giggling madly, she advanced a step towards me as I tried to back away. "What's wrong, Louie? Don't you wanna have fun? You're my only friend here, and I just love to make my friends SMILE!" With a lick of her lips, she tensed, and then pounced on me.

I tried my best to fight her off, but she held me down as if I were an infant. With a swift motion, she grabbed my shirt in her teeth, and ripped it open with a jerk of her head, all the while holding me down as she sprawled across my torso. Slowly she dragged her tongue up my chest, and then viciously latched her mouth onto mine. I felt her tongue worm it's way into my mouth, and she passionately molested my mouth for a full minute before pulling back with a wet pop. Oddly, all my mind could think was that she did know how to french kiss after all.

As she leered at me, slowly wiggling her bottom and grinding into my waist, I tried desperately to find a way free. If she could hold me down this easily, then she could... That's it! I suddenly had a plan. It was a long shot, but better than being held down and used against my will.

"Pinkie, darling. I know how you like games, right?" I slowly drawled, trying my best to not let my fear show in my voice.

"Uh-huh! I know all kinda games we can play. And I know just the toy I wanna play them with!" She leered even more creepily at me.

"Well then, how about you get on the bed, and I can show you a really fun game." It took my many years of sales and bullshitting experience to make my smile look genuine.

With a high pitched girly squeal of glee, the weight disappeared off my chest and the pink mare landed on my bed in one bounce. She quickly fluttered her eyes at me, before striking several random seductive poses.

"Okay now, lay on your back, and I'll get the gear." As she rolled over and complied, I heard her giggling madly. She kept squirming like a nipped-out cat, and I tore my eyes away to search in my closet. On a shelf was a box of toys that hadn't seen any action in years. My last girlfriend had tried to spice things up with a little try at BDSM, until I decided I wasn't into bondage, and she decided she really wasn't into me. Or guys in general. It ended badly, but she never reclaimed the toys.

Out came several pairs of handcuffs, getting another squeal from the pony. I could see her visibly start to drool as I approached the bed, and the popping noise I had heard earlier returned. I kept my eyes on her, and tried my best not to think about it's source.

"Oooh, I like this game! Are we gonna play a little bad guys and good guys? 'Cause I have been a really naughty filly, and need to be spanked really, really hard!" She crooned as she tried for more seductive posing.

"Something like that. Now hold still while I get the cuffs on." She just kept giggling as I secured all four hooves, using some rope to take up the extra slack between her smaller frame and the larger bed. Soon enough I had her good and secure, and for good measure, slipped a mask over her eyes. I was kinda wishing I still had the ball gag, but that had horrible things done to it after I loaned it to a friend for a bachelor's party.

"Okay Louie! I'm all ready for my spanking! And don't hold back, 'cuz I like it rough!" More wiggling, which almost made me laugh, if only my heart wasn't racing from the adrenaline rush.

"Sorry Pinkie, but I don't take advantage of friends. You are gonna have to chill the fuck out. I'll be back when you are thinking straight again." I turned to walk out, dreading what was about to happen.

"NOOOOO! LOOUIE! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Her wail shook the room, and I started to worry about the neighbors calling the cops. "I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU SO BAD!" I could hear the bed protesting as she fought the restraints, but like my house, the bed was custom built, and solid reinforced steel. She'd need a welding torch to get it apart.

Ignoring her cries, I closed and locked the door, glad that my dad had thought to put locks on both sides. I moved over to the other room, and saw the door was still closed, and opened it to look inside. There were substantial dents in the door and frame from the inside, but no cracks or signs of how she had gotten out. And then I facepalmed as I saw the curtains move. I quickly moved over to the window, finding it open, and the bars on the outside removed. Laying on the floor inside was a screwdriver, and several large screws, and outside I could see the bars laying on the ground. Well at least she didn't go through the wall.

That's when I heard the doorbell ring, which was odd, because we didn't have a doorbell. I quickly ran to the front door, almost afraid to open it, but looking out the peephole showed a small winged pony in some sort of uniform.

"Special delivery!" I was greeted as I opened the door. The beige pegasus was wearing a US postal service uniform, modified for his pony frame and wings. "Hullo! Special delivery for Pinkie Pie."

"The hell? What is it?" I couldn't help but notice his wings were drooping and he was covered in sweat.

"Beats me, buddy, but the Princess herself paid me an extra hundred bucks to deliver it same day from DC. Just sign here." As I signed, I couldn't help but imagine how hard it it must have been to fly the hundred miles from the capital in a day.

"So, please tell me she also sent you to help take care of my roommate." I hooked a thumb over my shoulder.

"What? Who? Wait a minute, buddy. I ain't that kinda delivery guy." he huffed indignantly.

"I got a crazy mare tied up in my bedroom. She's been trying to get into my pants all day. She could really use the help of another pony." I tried my best to look forlorn.

Pinkie chose that moment to make herself known. "I CAN SMELL YOOOOU!" The sound of her voice vibrated the windows, and really made my skin crawl. It had a manic edge to it like a deranged serial killer stalking her prey.

The stallion's eyes went wide and he stepped back. "You got a mare in there? KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" And in a flash of fur and feathers, he was gone.

"Huh, strange. Must be gay or something." I muttered to myself, then turned to bring the packages inside.

The smaller package contained a bottle with two iridescent pills inside, and a small note that read: 'Take two, and don't call me. Ever.' -PC I shook the bottle and then set it on the table before moving on to the larger package. The princess sure had a weird sense of humor. This one also had a card that read: 'For treatment of heat symptoms, apply liberally to the affected area.' -PC.

Opening the larger box, I dropped it in disgust. Out flopped a rather disturbing silicone toy, about as big around as my wrist. It looked like one of the novelty adult toys that used to see on . Not that I shop those kinda places, but as I said, some of my friends have a fucked up sense of humor, and send me things. Like that time Don sent me the link to the Pinkie Pie toy after finding out Pinkie was living with me. Having seen the real thing, I was neither amused, nor impressed. Don't judge me!

Fuck, I am not gonna think about pink pony poon. Fuck fuck fuck, now I was thinking about it, and the fact that it was tied up in my room. God dammit brain, what the hell is wrong with you?

And on the subject of sick sense of humor, what the hell was wrong with the Princess? I can only hope that the cards were meant as an inside joke to Pinkie. Then again, if I lived as long as she claimed to be, I'd probably be pretty screwed up in the head too.

So I gathered up the 'medicine' and made my way back to the room. Pinkie was still breathing heavily, and I was reminded of some of the exorcism movies I had seen. (The power of Penis compels you!)

"Louie! I knew you would come back! Please please please untie me! I gotta itch soo bad and I need you to scratch it for me!" She panted like a dog and pulled against her restraints. I was glad to see she hadn't managed to hurt herself, and walked over to the computer, setting the packages down.

Backing out of the email, I made my way back to the porn site I had found earlier. Setting it up to play, I muted the sound and turned back to Pinkie.

"Stick out your tongue, Pinkie." My eyes went wide as her tongue lolled out of her mouth and across her chest, and I quickly placed the two pills in her mouth.

"Wha ish eet?" She slobbered.

"That is a pill to help you get better. Now here's some water to swallow it." I tilted her head and flinched as the tongue snapped back into her head. She took a sip and smacked her lips, the pills vanishing into the void.

Smacking her lips, she smiled at me. "Tastes kinda funny, but if you say it will help, I trust you Louie, because you are my best friend!"

"Thank your princess. She send them, and she sent you another toy to play with that should help. Now stick out your tongue, but do not swallow this time."

Again the sarlacc pit opened and out came the tongue, I gently placed the next object on it and backed quickly away.

"Wash dish uun?" Drool started to drip from her open maw.

"That, Pinkie, is the key to the cuffs. Now I am going to step out, and lock the door again. You are going to stay in here and... oh shit." I didn't get to finish, as she was already in motion, I lept back out of the door, and slammed the lock home just as the pony missile crashed into it. I was knocked on my ass by the impact, but the door held.

"Looouie! Don't leave me alone! I neeed yoooohhh! Look at her go!" There was a mad scramble and I heard my chair squeal in protest as she found the porn playing on my monitor. "Thank Celestia! I needed one of these!" I smiled, only able to assume she found the toy as well.

The next moment, I started to back away as the the moans started, followed by singing. "It's raining men, hallelujah! It's raining men, from the sky!"

"Really, Pinkie? I moaned, as I walked away from the noises, and into the living room. I could still hear her singing later, as the lyrics to "Touch Myself" wafted through the house.

Grabbing the remote, I cranked the volume and plopped down to watch... an old rerun of My Little Pony. Today's episode, 'Hearts and Hooves Day.' "Nope."

I quickly changed the channel to 'International Photographic presents, the mating dance of the Wild Steppes Ponies'. "Nope!"

I punched a random channel into the remote, and turned on 'Touch of Pink'. "Oh come on! Now I know someone is fucking with me!"

Finally, I found the horror channel and relaxed into a nice, boner-killing marathon of George Oregano zombie flicks, as I did my best to drown out the over enthusiastic sounds of sex emanating from my bedroom. It was gonna be a very long day.

* * *

The next morning found me cooking breakfast as I watched the morning news. The problem with the pony visitors was not an isolated one, and it was making big headlines. Rainbow Dash herself was appearing to publicly apologize for her actions.

"_I would like to publicly apologize for the actions of myself, and my fellow ponies. We were completely unprepared for the changes caused by coming to your world, but this still does not excuse our behavior. _

_I would like to apologize to the members of San Francisco's 49ers for putting up with me in my time of need. Most of you guys were real troopers, and you really helped a girl out when I was at my worst. I would also like to apologize to the staff of the San Francisco Petting Zoo, and especially to Mrs. Johnson's fourth grade class who were visiting that day. You sadly saw a side of me that nopony should ever have to see, and for that I am truly sorry._

_As has been ordered by the court, I am to perform public service to atone for my actions. Despite being an ambassador, and having certain immunities, It has been agreed that I still need to pay for my actions. Therefor I have agreed to serve the entire three month sentence given to me, in whatever manner the court decides._

_Once again, I am sorry. It will never happen again."_

I chuckled to myself as the food finished and I started to place it on the table. Buckwheat pancakes headlined a meal, rounded off with real maple syrup and coffee. The smell must have summoned my pink companion, as I heard her shuffling into the kitchen behind me. She was walking a bit funny, and her mane was worse for the wear, but back to it's usual curls. Another trip to the salon would most likely be in order. I had snuck in the night before after the noise had died down, and found her passed out asleep, hugging a pillow with a contented smile on her face. I left the door unlocked, and prayed that the princess had been true to her word about the crisis passing soon.

Note to self, invest in a more comfortable couch.

"Morning sleepyhead. Feeling better today?" I grinned cheekily.

"Ow. I mean, really. Ow." Pinkie winced as she pulled herself into a chair at the table. I slid a fresh stack of pancakes in front of her and pouring a cup of coffee before serving myself. We ate in silence for a while until both plates were empty, and the uncomfortable silence became strained.

"I'm really sorry Louis" Finally the silence was broken, and I made my way around to her side of the table. "That was the worst it has ever been for me, and I totally understand if you are mad and don't ever want to be my friend again." Unable to look at me, she stared at the coffee mug in her hooves.

I just sighed and leaned forward to give her a hug. "Pinkie, I'm not mad at you. I'm not even upset, although you do owe me a new set of sheets after I finish burning mine."

"But I... and I almost... and you didn't wanna." She floundered and looked about to cry again.

"Forget about it. You weren't thinking right, and it would have been wrong for me to take advantage of you even if I was interested." I sighed and pulled away to look her in the eyes. "I have done some pretty stupid things myself when I wasn't thinking clearly. I remember the time I woke up in a zoo surrounded by monkeys. I only got away with it because I was under aged and it was found that someone had drugged my drink."

She looked away, and muttered, "But you aren't interested, and you never will be." Rubbing her nose with a sniffle, she looked back to me. "I kinda wished that you had. I really like you Louis, but I don't want to lose you as a friend."

"You won't ever lose me as a friend, Pinkie. I just don't feel that way about you, is all. You are like an annoying little sister to me." I sighed. "I do love you Pinkie, but only as a friend, and I just hope that will be enough."

She seemed to cheer up, and the bright smile returned. "Thank you Louis, I accept your friendship!" And like that she gave me another Pinkie-level hug.

"Thanks Pinkie. " I managed to wheeze out, and the hug eased to bearable levels.

"Uhh, Pinkie?" I muttered.

"Yes Louis?" she replied, breathing into my ear as we hugged tenderly.

"Could you please stop touching my ass?"

"Oopsie!"


	5. Crabapples to the iCore

Crabapples to the iCore

Slowly the dreams faded, and the light of morning filtered in through the curtains. I could hear the birds outside chirping and felt a smile begin to crawl its way across my face. I couldn't remember what the dream was about, but it left me feeling so warm and happy that i didn't want to get out of bed. My folks didn't raise a layabout, however, so I hopped out of bed and landed on my hooves.

I was still a bit sore from my little episode, and the next day fixing all the damage I had done didn't help. At least now the worst of my heat was past, and I could get back to my normal Pinkie self. My mane was all kinda frizzy still, but I was still on sick leave, so nopony had to see it but me and Louis, and he didn't seem to mind. A quick shower and some brushy brushy, and I looked good as new! It was the brand new Pinkie 2.0! Suddenly my tummy grumbled at me, and I didn't need Pinkie Sense to know what that meant. Off to the kitchen to see what Louis was up to!

He must have work early today because he was up early making pancakes again. He tells me its the only breakfast he can do without setting something on fire, but his pancakes are always yummy.

"Hiya Louis!" I cheered. "How you doin today?"

"Not bad Pinkie, you feeling better today?" He smiled at me warmly, as he flipped the pancake with a little flippy motion. It took me years to learn how to do that with my mouth, but his hands made it look easy.

"Yuppers! I feel better than ever, even though I'm still a little sore." I groaned and stroked my tail, "That was the worst heat ever! Thank goodness it's over until next year. Now I only have to deal with normal Pinkie feelings."

"Well that's good. I can only imagine what it was like with your friends." Rolling his eyes he went back to working on breakfast.

I took the moment to relax and enjoy the morning. Louis was so nice to me, and he really was a good friend. He wasn't bad looking either. He once told me his mother was a Jamaican Queen, and his father was a Redneck, which made no sense because his neck wasn't red at all. It was actually kinda coffee colored like the rest of him, which made me wonder if he was as yummy as coffee. His mane was curly like mine, but black and short, instead of long and pink. He was thinner than most of the other humans I had seen, but still had some muscle, and a really nice, tight butt.

No, bad Pinkie! We aren't allowed to think about Louis' butt, and we especially are not allowed to touch it. Gah! I guess I'm not totally over my heat.

"Look, but don't touch." I heard him quip, and my eyes shot back up. He wasn't even looking at me, but I could hear the smile in his voice. How does he do that? Maybe he has some kinda Louie Sense?

"O'oh, sorry, I was just umm, thinking about... stuff." I could feel the blush creeping into my face as I heard him chuckle.

"Are you sure you are okay? I don't have to ask that princess of yours for more of those pills, do I?" He turned around, a stack of nummy pancakes in his hand.

"No, no. I'm fine. Just feeling a little... umm." I stammered over what to say.

"Frisky?" He offered.

"Umm, yea. Frisky." I blushed even more, my whole body feeling like it was on fire. "I'm okay now. That stuff did the trick, and that toy... Where do you think the Princess got that anyway?"

"Eh, probably from the internet." Passing half of the pancakes to my waiting plate, he sat across from me and dug into his meal.

"Them infermmmph?" Oops, I quickly swallowed my own food and tried again. "The internet? Is that that thingy on your desk that you showed me all those pictures and stuff?"

"Actually, that is a computer, and the internet is what is connected to it. There are millions of computers all linked together and sending information to each other."

"Oooh, I bet my friend Twilight would love that! She's always reading stuff from books and looking all over for new books." I grinned and licked my plate clean before putting it in the sink.

"Yeah, I read something about how she's read half of the library of congress so far, and working on the other half. You weren't kidding about her being an egghead." Chuckling, Louis got up with his own plate, and came back with two cups of coffee. Oh sweet Celestia, how I love coffee.

"Oh and those, um... movies you played for me the other day. They were very, um." And here comes the blush again.

"Hot?" he offered, once again. "Yea, not my cup of tea, since I'm not into ponies, like I said. But there is porn of every kink and kind to be had, and most of it legal." He laughed darkly. "The internet is for porn."

"The internet is for porn?" I asked.

"Why'd you think the net was born? Porn."

"Porn?"

"Porn!"

"Wow. I woulda thought that they could do so much more with it." Scratching my head I imagine all the work that must go into something so naughty.

"Well it is now, but it was invented by a bunch of lonely college guys, to send dirty pictures back and forth to each other." Leaning back, Louis smiled and sipped his coffee. "That's how it all started, but later they decided they could make some money off of it, so they needed to find a better angle. They told everyone that it was used to send information and documents to each other so they could trade knowledge, and most of the companies believed it. Eventually it started to spread, becoming bigger and faster, until everyone was using it for all sorts of things. You can play games, watch movies, read tons and tons of books. But no matter how advanced it gets, it's still based on the delivery of porn to every computer in every home in America, and beyond."

"Wow, that's alotta porn." And suddenly I felt a combo coming on. Itchy mane, twitchy eye, achy breaky heart. This meant that I was going to get something new and life changing! Oh, and another one! Raised tail, itchy hoof, and twitchy tushy... Oh, that just meant I was still feeling 'frisky'. I guess it must be all the talk about porn.

All this went unnoticed by Louis, who was finishing his coffee. "Well I need to get to work. I'll see you tonight, Pinkie."

I smiled and waved to him absently as I started to think. I had some shopping to do! But first I needed another shower.

* * *

Since they still won't let me have my driver's license, I had to call a cab. Cabs in this world aren't as nice as Equestria, although the drivers can be just as rude. After waiting half an hour, one pulled in front of the house and honked at me. Quickly grabbing my bags I bounced up to the vehicle and greeted the driver.

"Heya cabbie person! Thanks for coming!" Opening the door I popped inside and grinned at him.

"Soo, uhh. What's with the costume?" He looked rather confused, but I was getting used to the reaction by now. There were still very few ponies around.

"Oh silly, this isn't a costume, it's a pony! Oooh, but do you know any costume parties? I would totally like to go to one!" I used my best Pinkie charm to win him over. It never fails! Well, almost never. Mebbe 50 percent. I think.

"Oh, so you are one of them ponies I heard bout on the news? My daughter loves the show, and has a bunch of the toys." He paused to scratch his head. "But you don't look nuttin like the toys I got her."

"That's because I'm the real deal, Pinkie Pie, Party Planner Extraordinaire!" Beaming my best Pinkie smile, I pulled out a card and handed it to him. I had Louis make them for me, and they turned out great! "Those ponies on TV are just silly cartoons, but I'm the original."

He took the card,looking at me funny then stuffed it in his pocket. "S'ok. So where you wanna go little pony? You do have money for the ride, right? Cuz this ain't no petting zoo."

"Yepperooni! I got my money right here." Pulling out my purse, I showed him some of the money inside. His eyes bulged a bit, then he turned away from me and started the meter. "Please take me to Pencils, at the mall. I'm gonna meet my friend there."

"Whatever you say kid. We'll be there in no time." And with that we were off.

I had only been in a car a few times, usually with Louis, but this one was not like his. He had a nice clean car, with a polished sheen on everything. He spent a day every week cleaning and polishing it, and he was really angry the time I tried to help. This car was old and dirty looking, with stains on everything and dirt on the windows. The driver smelled like stale cigarettes, and had a face like an old leather bag. It would be a happy old man face, if he wasn't looking at me funny in the mirror all the time. I ignored it and looked out the window instead.

The town I was in looked so much different than Ponyville. We had happy, bright colored houses, with happy, bright colored ponies living in them. Here everything was grey, brown, and dull colors, with the people looking the same. It made me kinda sad that everyone was so dull, but most of them seemed to not notice. I would have to find a way to throw more parties to cheer them all up! I was making lots of friends at work, and the customers always love to see me working. I had to stop giving the children pony rides however, since they said they couldn't afford the accidental insurance if someone got hurt. As if I would ever let a child get hurt! I was a great foalsitter, after all.

But none of the friends I have met have been as nice as Louis. He got mad when I messed things up, but he never stayed that way. He was always there for a hug, or a snuggle, and laughed at most of my jokes. He was as good a friend as Dashie, and I was happy that I had answered his ad. I would definitely have to invite my other friends to come visit so they could meet him!

Soon we arrived, and I happily gave the cabbie his fare, with a nice tip. I also offered him a cupcake, but it it had gotten smashed on the way, so he didn't seem very interested. I just shrugged and ate it myself. As I waved to one of my co-workers next door, I turned to see the big Pencils sign over my head. Louis told me he sold computers, so if I wanted to buy one, he would be the best person to ask for help!

I bounced inside, getting the usual looks and waves from the other customers. By now the other employees all knew me from all the times I visited Louis at work. He always seemed annoyed, but I knew it was just because his meanie boss gave him a hard time if he talked to friends. But today I was more than a friend, I was a customer!

"Hey Louis!" I yelled to him as I bounced up to the counter. He was ringing up another customer, and he waved back to me. Don was behind him with his head stuck inside a computer, and he waved to me as well. "Heya Donnie Boy! How's it hangin?"

"A little to the left, same as always, Pinkie." he responded back. Louis just facepalmed and looked back to his customer.

After he was done, I waved goodbye to the customer, and turned back to Louis. He didn't look happy. He never looked happy when he was at work. I once asked him why he wasn't ever happy at work, and all he would say was 'Because Retail'. I really wasn't sure what that meant, but I sure hoped it never happened to me!

"So what ya need, Pinkie? I'm working, so can't talk without getting the boss on my ass." We both looked to the front of the store, where the meanie boss was staring at us. He looked like my friend Cranky when I first met him. One of these days I was going to throw him an extra special party and wipe that mean look off his face.

"Well, remember how we were talking about the internet?" He waved me down to lower my voice. "Oh sorry, it's just I was thinking." and this earned me an eye roll. Not all of my ideas have turned out so great since coming to this world. "No, really. I wanna buy a computer of my own, so I can look up stuff, play games, and.. uhh. Y'know."

"Look at porn? Louis deadpanned.

"No! I mean, maybe, I mean... I wanna look up stuff for planning parties, and talk to my friends. They have been sending me letters telling me to get online, so they can talk to me on Blather, and Stalkerbook. And my friend Vinyl keeps bugging me to play World of Wubcraft, whatever that is." To this I received some sage nodding, and then a smile. One of those creepy ones he likes to scare people with. I think it's kinda cute, myself.

"Good! I can help you with that." He said loudly, as he waved at his boss, motioning me over to the computer display. The boss just glared back, looking like he had really bad gas.

"So, are you looking for a laptop, or a desktop?" he asked, motioning to the various displays. I had no idea that there were so many types of computer. I saw some that looked like books held open, others that were big TV looking things like Louis had, and even little square things that looked like roofing tiles with pictures on them.

"Uhh, I dunno Louis. I don't have a desk or a lap, so how do I decide?" Looking around at the different screens, my head started to hurt as I realized how little I knew about this stuff.

"Well, laptop is just a name. It's a more portable version, not as powerful, but easier to carry around. A desktop is the big box things like I have, and a monitor attaches so you can see what you are doing. We can always get you a desk, whichever you choose."

"Can I just get one like you have then? You can teach me how to use it." I beamed at the easy resolution.

"Well my rig is a custom built gaming system. It's way more powerful than anything you can buy off the shelf." Scratching his goatee, he thought a moment. I thought it was funny that he called it a goatee, since it didn't look like a goat. Although I did have goat tea once, and it was horrible. I wonder if his beard tasted like goat tea?

Suddenly I realized that he had been talking, and snapped back to attention. "Oh, sorry, what were you saying?"

"I said, maybe we can get you one of these Crapple computers, and upgrade it to run faster. I can put some better equipment in it. That way if you want to play some better games, you can."

"Why do they call them Crapple? Are they no good?" I poked a hoof at one of the shiny boxes he was showing me.

"Oh, they are pretty good. Crabapple computers makes some decent equipment, even if they are a bit overpriced, marketed more to be trendy than useful, and they just have a weird cult following." Patting one, he showed me the screen and how to bring up a web page. It looked so pretty that I knew it had to be the right choice!

"I'll take it! And I will need a desk to put it on. Can you have it sent to the house?" I bounced on my tippy hooves with excitement at owning my very own Crapple computer.

"Sure thing, Pinkie. I can actually get it set up here, and bring it home with me after work. We can have you cruising the internet in no time." Beaming at me, he walked me over to the counter where Don was still face deep in some repair. "Hey Don, think you can have this done before I leave? Pinkie wants to go on the internet."

"Ya, sure. This stupid Shmell computer is toast anyway, so I'm giving up on it." Withdrawing himself from the innards of the gutted machine, he smiled at me. The smile got a bit uncomfortable after a while as he kept staring, and I remembered that Louis had mentioned he was one of the Bronies that seemed to worship us ponies. After a moment he finally snapped out of whatever trance he was in and finished. "Sorry, umm. Just keep away from HaterChan. Those guys are kinda creepy, and they tend to post some nasty stuff about ponies."

"Will do Donnie! Thanks for the help." With a happy bounce I hopped off to pick out a desk.

Unfortunately all the desks were dull and serious looking, so I just picked one at random that I could stand at when I didn't wanna use a chair. They didn't have any pony chairs either, so I went with a cute pink stool. Before I knew it, I was at the checkout, and paying for everything. Louis gave me a concerned face when when he saw I still had a bunch of cash in my bags, but just shook his head.

"Heya there miss, I just wanted to thank you for shopping at Pencils!" I nearly jumped out of my fur as the meanie boss came up behind me, offering a hand to shake. He had a fake smile, and I bet his palms were all sweaty too. I stared at it for a moment, as if it would bite me, but then cautiously shook his hand. It was sweaty and gross. "I take it Louis has been taking good care of you?" He pretended to look at me, but I could see his eyes flicking back to the money in my hoof. I also thought it was odd that he pretended not to know me, when he had already gotten angry a few times when I had tried to visit Louis on his break.

Let me tell you, as an expert on making ponies smile, I knew all types of smile. This was the phoniest of phoney smiles, and it made me feel ill to look at. But I just smiled back, and nodded. "Yes mister boss, Louis is the best employee here!" I quickly turned away, not bearing to look at the horrible fake smile anymore, and handed the cashier my money. I thanked her and grabbed my receipt before dashing for the door, yelling, "ThanksLouis! Seeyoulaterbye!"

Finally away from the fake smile and the sweaty hands, I relaxed a little. Stopping by my work to check in with my boss, she was happy to hear I was ready to come back the next day. They already had three parties lined up for me to plan, and there was alot of work to do. A party planner's work is never done!

After that was settled, it was such a beautiful day that I decided to hop home instead of riding. I took the scenic route, passing a park and stopped to play with some of the children there. Many of them wanted to pet me, which tickled alot, but then we settled on a game of hide and seek. I am a master hider, and won most of the games, although sometimes my poofy tail gave me away. It was all great fun until some of the older kids showed up and started teasing them about playing with a pink pony. I told them they were just jealous because they were too big to get free pony rides. I must have been right because one of them looked like he was about to cry, and the other just got really really red like he was embarrassed. After that they left us alone.

All too soon the children had to go home, and I continued my own trip. It was good to be home, and soon Louis would be here with my new Crapple! Almost as if by magic, I heard the door open and my bestest friend arrive with a big box in his hands. I helped him bring it to my room, and then we retrieved the desk. I had to sit back and watch him work, since I couldn't make any sense of the directions, but soon the desk and computer was all set up.

"So, I upped the memory to sixteen gigabytes, optimized the hard drive and blah blah blah, something about software and apple cores..." I kinda tuned him out as I felt my eyes glaze over. It was like listening to Twilight giving one of her lectures, but soon it was over and he was staring at me expectantly.

"Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention." I shook my head and coughed nervously. "You were saying something about apple cores and jiggle butts?" I snickered into my hoof. "What kind of naughty stuff did you do to my computer?"

He took a long sigh, and rubbed his temples like he had a headache before continuing at a slower pace. "What I said was... You know what? It doesn't matter. This thing is fast, it will do anything you need it to do. Hop in the chair and lemme show you how it works."

I hopped like instructed, getting comfy at the desk. He leaned over my shoulder and wrapped his arm around me to grab the thingy with the cord. I smiled and leaned into him, feeling the warmth and smelling his human-y smell. He didn't pull away, so I stayed that way as he started his lesson.

"This is called a mouse. Don't ask, it just is." I nodded, and he continued. "You move it to control the little arrow on the screen. Click to use things, right click to get menus and other stuff. Some things need you to double click. No. You do not double right click. Ever." I blinked and looked up at him. I was getting the feeling he gave this lesson alot.

"So you can open programs that way, clicking these icons on the desktop." Again he sighed, as I looked down at the desk. "The desktop is what we call this main screen, on the monitor." I chuckled nervously. "The main one you will most likely be using is the browser, here. I installed Icewolf, use that to find stuff. It opens to Goofle, and you can just ask it stuff. I even installed a headset so you can use your voice to type."

"There sure are alotta funny names for stuff on the computer. I guess I can try to remember them. Thanks for helping me Louis, I really appreciate all of this." I smiled and reached up to hug him and he returned it.

"It's cool, Pinkie. I just get alotta morons that try to use computers and I have to teach them all stuff that nobody ever taught me. They are too lazy to learn on their own, and want to be spoon fed everything. Just makes me cranky." He smiled and stepped back.

"But you don't look anything like my friend, Cranky!" I joked, getting a smile and his typical eye roll. "Thanks again, Louis. I think I kinda got the basic idea, and I'll come get you if I need help." I scratched my chin and looked at the screen a moment, before asking, "What should I do first?"

"Well, when I started years ago, we used to have fun going to sites like 'Gerbil-dance', or 'You're the Dog now Man'. I don't even know if those sites are around anymore, and most folks just hang out on Stalkerbook and Blutube." He shrugged, and waved at the screen. "I would start with some Goofle Searches, and maybe look up some info on how to use the internet. Just stay clear of any Chan boards. Trust me on this one." He nodded firmly and crossed his arms.

"Okies, Louis, thanks!" I beamed as he turned to leave, and then stared at my newest toy.

My first search was for Gerbil-dance, since Louis suggested it. I got a page of stuff, looking like one of Twilight's lists. I clicked on the first one, and was amused to see little critters spinning and dancing on the screen, while singing. I giggled and imagined how much Fluttershy would love this. Soon however, I realized the whole thing just kept repeating and I grew bored.

Going back to the search, I tried the second link, but it looked nothing like the first. This one had a little movie in the center, that started out blurry. First I saw a little critter, all cute and fuzzy running in a wheel. After a moment I saw a big human hand reach in and pick him up, as the camera turned to follow. I was a bit confused at first, because the the human looked kinda funny, but then I realized he wasn't wearing any clothes. I couldn't help but wonder if Louis looked like that without his clothes, and I felt my cheeks start to burn.

"What is he doing to that little critter?" I wondered allowed, as I saw him grab a small tube, and stuff the critter inside. And then he bent over in front of the camera... and... I quickly closed the window. "Eew! Don was right, some humans are sick! That poor little critter!"

Shaking my head, pondered asking Louis about what I had seen, but decided to brave it on my own. Louis said he hated when people didn't try to learn on their own, so I wanted to try myself. Cautiously I reopened the program, and decided to try some of the things my friends suggested. "Let's try Stalkerbook!" All my friends said they were on it, and kept bugging me to join them. "If all of my friends are on it, what's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

TWO HOURS LATER...

* * *

Happy that Pinkie had finally found something to entertain herself, I spent a little quality time of my own online. I turned down yet another invite from Don to attend a brony meetup, but promised to pass it along to Pinkie. Email was quickly dispatched, spam folders flushed, and the lone email from mom replied to. That left a bit of time for some entertainment. Porn was getting a bit stale, and after the recent events with Pinkie, i wasn't in the mood. There wasn't any new movies I wanted to watch, and I didn't feel like reading. That left a few hours of mindless building on Mindcrack!

It's one of those addictive indie games, easy to get into, and hard to stop playing. You smash things, collect stuff, use the stuff to build new things. Rinse and repeat. A great way to relieve stress after a day of serving the unwashed masses.

I was well into my session, building a nice evil lair on the side of a cliff, overlooking a hapless village below. Suddenly I heard the sound of hooves tapping frantically on my door. With a groan, I turned off the game and opened the door to see a teary eyed Pinkie wringing her hooves with worry.

"What did you break, Pinkie?

"I think I'm in trouble! I was restarting the computer because it was acting funny and I read online that turning it off and on again usually fixes things, but now it says my computer is locked and that they found bad things on my computer and if I don't pay them they will send somepony to take me to jail!" She looked on the verge of a meltdown as her avalanche of words tumbled out. Pausing to take a breath she went on, "I'm so sorry Louis I didn't know that it was bad but I was on Stalkerbook and my friends said I should post some pictures of myself and the twins so I scanned some pics of them and because they are babies i decided to post some pics of me as a baby and now I'm gonna go to jail for foal porn!"

As she stopped for another breath, I placed a hand over her muzzle. Very calmly I leaned down and asked her, "You turned off the Antivirus, didn't you?" A frantic nod was my reply. Taking my hand off, I walked toward the room, beckoning her to follow.

At the scene of the crime was a well known image of the latest in scams circulating the internet. A screen full of dire, yet vague threats telling you that you were being locked out of your computer for doing various illegal things, and demanding money to unlock it.

"Why did you turn off the antivirus?" I asked, keeping my voice calm.

"Well I got an invite from my friend to play World of Wubcraft, and I downloaded it. But when it tried to install it said it was having trouble, so I had to turn off my antivirus, so I did. But after it installed, it says you need a credit card to play, so since i don't have one, I just gave up and went back to Stalkerbook to talk to my friends. But after I finished playing few games with them, the computer started acting weird, so I turned it off and on like I heard you should do. And then this!" She covered her mouth with a hoof and looked frightened.

I sighed, and collapsed into the chair, shaking my head. "First off, pinkie, you are not in trouble. Nobody found porn on your machine, and just posting pics isn't bad, as long as nothing naughty is being done." She seemed to relax a bit, but the look of worry was still on her face. "Second, you have a virus. You have a virus because you foolishly turned off your antivirus and then went to the most virus-filled website on the planet." Her face fell from worry, to one of shame, and her ears drooped like a kicked puppy."

"I'm sorry Louis. I just wanted you to not hate me because I didn't try on my own."

"No, no. None of that. This is what I do for a living, fixing the mistakes of folks that are ignorant and foolish. Both can be forgiven as long as you learn from them." Her ears perked up at this, and she stepped closer. "Don't ever be afraid to ask me questions, Pinkie. It's not ignorance that I hate, it's stupidity. If you don't know something, and seek to learn it, that is always a good thing. It's the fucktards that know better and still do something stupid that piss me off."

"So you're not mad at me?" It was heartbreaking to see her trying so hard for my approval. I reached out and let her have a big hug.

"No Pinkie. You annoy me at times, but I ain't even mad." Pulling back I looked into her smiling face. "Now go make me some coffee, I'm gonna be here for a bit while I fix this." As she hopped off to the kitchen, I sighed and went back to my room to retrieve my tools. I had to wonder how cute the pictures of baby ponies would be once I fixed this mess. They certainly couldn't be bad enough to get anyone in trouble, even if there were laws against it. I mean, pictures of baby animals were the staple of motivational posters worldwide.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind that made me stop as I was walking back to her room. I don't even own a scanner, and neither did Pinkie. So how the hell did she upload pics of herself?


	6. Rainbow Connection

Rainbow Connection

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Damn you Mr. McFeely, now that song is going to be stuck in my head. But it was a beautiful day. I had two glorious days off, Pinkie was off visiting one of her friends, and I had plenty of uninterrupted time to clean the house and make it neat again. Living with Pinkie was never dull, but it was rather messy, and to a neat freak like me, that was stressful. Between her spontaneous redecorating, to her random parties, the house hasn't been the same since she arrived. I was growing used to it, but deep down I still didn't like it. Now it was cleaning day, and nobody, or pony, was going to get in my way!

"Checklist!" Check. Pinkie had compared me to Twilight when she saw my checklist. They get stuff done, end of discussion.

"Old cloths?" Check.

"Gloves?" Check.

"Goggles?" Check.

"Vacuum with fresh bag?" Check.

"miPud with a drive full of 90's death metal?" Oh fuckin checkmate!

I pulled down the goggles and surveyed my arena of battle, grinning at the task before me. "Let's get it on!"

Metal and meat thrashed together in my ears as I worked in a frenzied pace. Furniture was moved, rugs were pulled, and curtains were yanked. I even did the windows. *shudder* Soon the world blurred into a whirl of dust, cleaning solutions, and lemon fresh scent. I was a cleaning GOD!

A few hours later I flopped on my couch and surveyed my accomplishments. The sun shone brightly through clean windows, the rugs were all pristine and straight, and not a spec of dust could be found anywhere. A sense of satisfaction flowed through me, as the smell of an overworked body wafted off of me. I felt as dirty as the room was clean, and I really needed a shower to finish off the day and finally relax.

Plodding into the bathroom, I stripped down. Having the house to myself again felt good, and I could relax. As I stepped in front of the mirror, I flexed a bit, my tight and toned body making me grin with pride. My father had been built like a pro wrestler, and my mother looked like a fashion model, giving me a genetic advantage that meant I only had to work out twice a week at the gym to maintain my good looks. Not that it mattered too much to a nerd like me, but it didn't hurt. I turned a few heads at the beach, sure, but I usually had mine stuck too far in a book to notice. It sure did make the other stereotypical geeks jealous, and helped keep the jocks off my back in school.

A quick trim of the beard, what Don loved to call the 'Evil Twin' goatee, and I was ready for my reward of a hot shower. Stretching the kinks out, and washing away the sweat and grime was always one of life's simple pleasures that I indulged in, and I spent some extras time indulging. I may have even busted into song, not that I would ever admit to such. Damn it felt good to be a gangsta.

Far too soon I exited the warm bliss of flowing water and toweled myself dry. A final check in the mirror showed my normal confident self, and I grinned as I exited the bathroom, and entered...

Gay pride day at the Mardi Gras.

"What the actual fuck is going on?" I knew how silly the question was as soon as it left my lips, but I was still shocked. My perfectly neat, clean, and orderly house had been transformed into a polychromatic warzone of color. Rainbow streamers and balloons hung across the room, as multicolored confetti and wall hangings festooned every surface. I stood in utter shock at what had happened in the all too brief time in the sanctity of my shower.

"Heya Louis!" Pinkie Pie popped into my field of view, grinning maniacally as usual. "Ooh, you are looking sexy!" I was too shocked to rationalize the fact that I was wearing only a towel, and bare from the waist up. I was far too occupied with trying to retrieve my jaw from the floor where it had dropped after finding my six hours of work reduced to a rainbow extravaganza. Even the fact that I was being ogled by my roommate failed to break through my distress. It broke me, and I sank to my knees in despair.

"What. The. Fuck?" I felt tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the ruin of my peaceful weekend.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you! My friend, rainbow Dash changed her plans. She heard so much about you in my letters, that she decided to come visit here instead of me visiting her!" Bouncing around the room, my pink tormentor grinned happily, unfazed by my obvious distress. "Isn't it exciting! I am so excited to have my old friend meet my new friend and then both of my friends can hang out with me and be friends!"

That got my attention. "Wait, what?" I scrambled to my feet, grasping at my towel. "Another of your friends is coming here? Didn't I tell you to warn me before inviting anyone over?"

"I'm sorry, I totally forgot! I was all set to go visit her for the weekend, but then she called me and said that she was on her way here, and I didn't have time to tell you. I ran to work to get supplies so I can throw her a welcome party. When I came back you were in the shower I decorated as fast as I could."

"Dammit. All my hard work!" I whined. "You will clean up every damn speck of this mess the moment she is gone, and then me and you are going to have a serious talk." I started to walk back towards my room when the thought struck me, "When does she arrive?"

"Oh she is flying in, so she will be here any time now!" Bouncing in place, the normal grin was back as she turned to look out the window.

"Bah, fine. I'm gonna get dressed and go outside then. It's too beautiful a day, and all this color is giving me a headache." I grumbled to myself as I retired to my bedroom, holding my towel and my dignity as best I could.

* * *

Dressed and out the door, I sat on my porch awaiting my fate. If the other pony was as spastic as Pinkie, I wasn't sure I would be able to tolerate it, but if I could just keep my cool until she left, maybe me and Pinkie could salvage things. Who was I kidding, Pinkie would make it worse. IT was up to me again.

Suddenly the mare in question came bolting out of the front door, and started running circles on the lawn under the large maple in the front yard. "Twitchy tail! Twitchy tail! Look out Louis, I got the twitcha-twitch!"

Rolling my eyes, I started walking toward her to find out what the problem was. "Pinkie, I told you I'm not interested in your tail, so please stop being crude in public. The neighbor has already complained once."

"No, no! You don't understand! My Pinkie Sense is telling me that something is gonna- OOF!" Suddenly cut off, the pink mare disappeared in a blur of rainbow, and reappeared against the tree.

"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash!" her cheery voice rang out. "You found the address okay?"

"Heya, Pinkie Pie!" A rougher voice came from the multicolored pony pile. "You always make for the softest landings."

As the two untangled themselves, two separate ponies appeared, both laughing at each other, before looking at me. I was still staring, amazed at the lack of blood from such a collision, and the resulting tumble.

"So, Dashie, welcome to our home. This is my friend, Louis. He's my roommate." In an overloud stage whisper, she leaned in to warn her blue friend, "Don't call him Louie, it makes him cranky."

"That's funny, he doesn't look like a donkey." Dash replied in a similar whisper.

"I know, that's what I said!" And once again they fell into a fit of giggles. I just rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, waiting for the childish display to end.

"Louis, this is my bestest buddy, and prank mate, Rainbow Dash! She's the fastest pegasus in Equestria. " Grinning, Pinkie waved her friend forward.

"Fastest on Earth too, y'know? Pleased to meet ya!" Giving me an appraising look, Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow and elbowed her friend in the ribs. "You were right Pinkie, he does have a nice butt."

This broke my cool. "What the hell? Why are you looking at my ass? I thought you were supposed to be a lesbian!"

"Who the hell said I was a filly fooler? I'm too damn awesome to be munching mares all the time." It was Dash's turn to roll her eyes, but she didn't seem upset at my outburst.

"I told Pinkie I thought you slept with females, and said everyone in Ponyville knew about it. That kinda make you a lesbian." I presented my logical argument.

"Oh silly, I never said she only slept with mares!" Pinkie bounced over and gave me a random hug, grinning back at her friend.

"It's no big deal, I actually get that alot. When I showed up in California, all these people started wanting to hang with me because of my hair. They were nice folks, and we became friends, but I found out later they all thought it was some sorta statement about being gay." Smirking, she wiggled her tail at me. "I'm way too awesome-sexual to only stick to one gender..." turning to wink at me, she grinned again, "or one species, for that matter."

"Ooh no. Not interested. No offense, but I'm just not into ponies." I backed up, pushing Pinkie away by demonstration.

"Oh come on, don't knock it till ya try it, big fella. Everypony wants to taste the rainbow. Everypony." Sticking her tongue out, she flicked her tail again, before turning to face me with a lecherous grin.

"Yea, I heard about you and that football team. I mean, damn, the whole team?" It was my turn to grin seductively.

"Naa it's not what you think! They just helped me keep my mind off things after I caught myself winking at a cute colt at the zoo. He almost had me covered, until some kids started cheering me on and snapped me out of it." Covering her eyes, she looked at the ground in embarrassment. "Boy was that a bad day. But I had some friends on the team, and they let me train with them for the day to keep my mind off the heat. Although, I think I may have traumatized

a few of them when we tried some wrestling. Pegasai wrestling can be a bit.. aggressive."

I couldn't help but laugh at the image. "You wrestle? It's a grappling sport, so how does that even work?" I demonstrated by wiggling my hands at her.

"Oh it works better than you may think. We may not have hands, but we do have six limbs, and alot more flexibility. Traditional pegasai wrestling is done in the clouds, and you need to make your opponent submit before you fall 10,000 feet. So its be quick, or be dead."

"Awesome, I'd love to see that. I used to wrestle in high school. It helped to keep the real jocks off my ass. Well, in a manner of speaking." I flexed a little, being proud of my rare physique. Most gamer geeks were either skinny rails, or blobs of jello. Having an awesome bod was something I had every right to be proud of, even if it did get me some unwanted attention. Cute, furry attention.

"Well why not now? I'll show you my moves, if you show me yours..." Again she winked at me in what was supposed to be a seductive manner. I ignored it, and pulled my shirt off with a grin.

"Yay! Take it off Louis!" Pinkie cheered, then coughed at the dirty look I gave her. "Ahem, I mean, go to it Louis! Show Dashie what you can do!"

I just chuckled, and knelt down near Dash. "So how you wanna do this, face off, or top/bottom?"

"Meh, I prefer to be on top of course, handsome. But to be fair, lets face off." Grinning, she rose onto her hind legs, and used her wings to balance as her front hooves met mine. "Okies, Pinkie. Give the go."

"Okie, Dokie! ONETWOTHREEGO!" Pinkie belted out, then lept backwards.

Instantly I felt the hooves in my hands flex, trying to grip, and looking for a way to set me off balance. We both grinned at each other and tested for a weakness, but despite my bigger size, we were about equally matched in strength. Slowly I twisted my arms in a circle, expecting to find weakness in the motion range of a quadruped, but Dash managed to match my arm movements without any signs of discomfort. I then tried to lean forward to use my larger mass to off balance her, but she countered with her wings, and pushed back. At one point I almost lost my grip, as she whipped a wing forward to try tickling me, but I held fast.

Suddenly, there was a shift, one foreleg went down, and I use the opportunity to roll her into a submission hold. Just as quick, she was out of it, using her wing for extra leverage to break the hold. Back again, I leaned my weight, forcing her onto her back pinning her wings under her, as my knees held her lower legs and my arms pinned her forelegs, I almost had her pinned, but her wings kept her shoulders off the ground far enough to prevent a pin, and I continued to lean my weight forward. I knew the weight on her wings at this angle had to be painful, so I was going for a submission. I could see the pain on her face as she gritted her teeth, and I leaned closer, grinning victoriously.

All of a sudden, there was a movement as the blue face leaned forward and planted her lips on mine. I felt my eyes go wide in shock, as she kissed me deeply, my mouth opened in surprise, letting her tongue in to wrestle with mine. It takes me another precious moment to realize that I am being french kissed by a pony, before I freak out and pull back. That was all that is needed to break my hold, and in the next moment I am looking at the beautiful blue sky, as the air rushes out of my lungs and I go flying backwards through the air.

I still can't decide what was worse, the kiss, the lost match, or the pain of landing with no air in my lungs after being mule kicked with all four hooves by a pony that had just molested me. My everything hurt. And to top it off, I was being laughed at.

"Ha ha ha! That was classic! You gotta keep your eyes on the prize if you wanna win against Rainbow DOOOF!" I looked up just in time to see a pink blur slam into the triumphant flier, spinning several times, before she landed face down with Pinkie on her back holding Dash's blue wings in some sort of submission hold.

"You keep your hooves off of my man! I saw him first!" A rather scary transformation had taken over my pink roommate, as her hair had once again gone straight, and a manic gleam showed in her eyes while she inflicted pain on her friend.

"Ow, Pinkie stop! UNCLE! UNCLE!" The blue mare tapped out, finally getting a reprieve from the pink psychopath. Pinkie hopped back off of the pegasus, and shook her head, causing the curls to miraculously reappear.

"Oopsie, I got a little carried away. Sorry!" Giggling sweetly, Pinkie smiled at her friend, all sign of the bloodthirsty creature gone in the blink of an eye.

"Seriously, Pinks. Chill out. It's not like you haven't had your chance at the guy. " Getting to her hooves, the blue mare tempted fate by giving me another wink. I just glared at her in return.

"Seriously? Just no. Not interested. Let it go." I replied.

"No! He was my friend first, and you need to back off Dashie." Pinkie returned, ignoring me completely.

"Oh really? Why isn't he twisted around your hoof by now, hmm? I bet I could make him mine in te-"

"Finish that sentence, and you will be eating your own feathers." Back to serious, Pinkie stared her friend down.

"Hello. Right here." I replied, waving my arms. "I'm not into either of you."

"Oooh, do I sense a bit of jealousy? How about we make a bet on it?" Grinning wickedly, Dash held out a hoof. "First mare to win him over wins. And I always win."

"Not gonna happen. Don't like ponies. Got a boob fetish here! No tits, no interest, so you can both stop." And yet they still ignored me.

"You're on! I can make him my special somepony without even trying! Then you can go back to flirting with Big Mac." Meeting hooves, the two mares shook on the deal. At this point they were almost muzzle to muzzle, and both grinning insanely.

"Bah, not gonna happen. I am gonna win. Besides, Applejack gets really scary when you try to flirt with her brother."

"For Christ's sake, will you two just kiss and get it over with?" I cried. You could almost taste the tension in the air. Or maybe it was blood. I was definitely going to have some bruises.

"Oh will you look at that, it's working already. He wants to see two mares make out! I bet I can make him so hot he will be mine by tomorrow." Rainbow Dash finally seemed to notice me.

"Aw hell naw. I am just sick of seeing this bullshit lover's angst. You two need to just get a room together and work out your issues. Without me." I declared. It was really getting pretty deep, and the two were obviously working through some past relationship issues.

"Face the facts, handsome. Everypony comes crawling back eventually for a taste of the sweet, sweet rainbow." Finishing the shake, Rainbow Dash sauntered away, flicking her tail at me as she passed. "See you two tomorrow. I have some shopping to do. Nice meeting ya Louis." As she prepared to take off, I saw her wink over her shoulder. Both winks. I turned away and shuddered as I realized she wasn't wearing any underclothes. This was gonna be a shitty two days off.

* * *

After giving instructions to put the house back the way it was, and threatening to take away her coffee supply if she didn't, I left Pinkie to her work and went out find some distraction. I called Don and he agreed to meet me at a local bar, it was one of those local microbrewery places, but the beer was good and cheap.

After getting a booth and ordering a round, and some grub, I looked up to see Don walking in. I waved him over, and grinned happily as my beer arrived.

"Heya Louis, what's up with you today? I figured you would be enjoying your day off." Looking around at some of the girls waiting tables, he looked back at me with a grin. "Not that this isn't enjoyable."

"I had to get outta the house before I committed equicide, and caused a diplomatic incident." I took a long drink from my beer and sighed as my friend parsed my comment.

"Wait, you and Pinkie? What's wrong, I thought you two were tight?" Sounding almost hurt, he matched my drink.

"Yea, well not just here. Now its her and Rainbow Dash." I couldn't help but smirk as his eyes grew large and he tried not to choke on his beer.

"Holy shit man, you got Rainbow Dash living with you too? My god man, you are living every brony's dream!"

"Naa, she's just visiting for a while. First Pinkie turns my house into a gay pride explosion, and now the two of them are competing to see who can win me over. It's just been a weird day." I sighed again, and finished my beer in a gulp. Lucky I always order two, and I waved the waitress over for a refill.

"You lucky bastard! I can't believe you haven't hit that already. If i were in your place I'd be balls deep in pink pony poon! And Dashie could make it a threesome." Grinning lecherously, he leaned back.

"You need help, dude. That's just sick." I couldn't help but shudder at the image. "I mean for one thing, she's not human. She's a damn pony. I don't care what they call it now, it's just sick. She's a cute kid, I love her like a little sister now, but that just makes things worse." I swallowed more beer to wash the bad taste from my mouth.

"Well so what if she isn't human? It's two sentient, consenting adults. And if not her, why not Dashie? I bet she's a wildcat in the sack." He paused as the next round of drinks arrived, and I used my best fake sales smile as the cute girl took our order for food.

"Hey, I overheard you saying you know a pony?" I shot Don a dirty look, then nodded to the waitress. "I love ponies, they are so cute! I used to watch the show all the time, and had all the toys. Now we have one working here, and it's just so awesome! You must be lucky to have one as a friend."

"Yea, its a real treat living with a pink party animal. I deadpanned and looked away from the gushing woman before me.

"Yea, and I was just telling him, if since he has one wanting to get into his pants, he should just go for it!" Don just smiled innocently as I facepalmed.

"What the fuck? That's sick, you perverted freak. Ponies are cute innocent creatures, not some sex toy." She grew livid, and I started to edge away. Don just sputtered. "I've met some real sick fucks working here, but you are the creepiest yet. I hope someone kicks your ass." and with that, she turned and walked out. I saw her flip off the manager and yell something I couldn't make out over the music, before storming out the door.

"Well done Donnie boy. You just pissed of our waitress." Chugging the last of my beer, I stood up to leave, while a stunned Don just stared at the table. "Well, at least she didn't get to spit in our food. See ya round, Donnie."

As I walked towards the exit, I stopped at the manager and pulled out my wallet to pay. "What's the damage?"

Looking embarrassed, the manager waved me off. "No sir, apologize for my server. It's on the house. We keep an open mind here for people with... alternative lifestyles, and her actions are not accepted by the management." He started to look rather uncomfortable as he swallowed nervously. "I hope that this does not effect your patronage, or that of your, uhh, partner."

"Dafuq you talkin bout?" Aww no he didn't.

"The server mentioned she didn't approve of your, um, relationship with a pony. We don't judge! It's your business, and we appreciate your patronage!" Taking a step back, as if he may catch something, the manager just nodded and smiled nervously.

Holding the bridge of my nose and shaking my head, I sighed wearily. "Look, I don't know what she heard, or what she said. I am not, never have been, nor will I ever be, a pony fucker." I waved to the table where Don was trying to shrink down and not get noticed. "My friend over there may be, since he's a brony. I don't know, and I don't wanna know. I have pony friends, but that's all they are. So you can tell your little miss innocent pony lover that she can eat a dick. Preferably mine, since I like to fuck cute HUMAN chicks."

"I, I..." he began to stutter, his face turning a rather unflattering purple color.

"Seriously, man? Fuckit, I was joking. I ain't even mad, but I still ain't a pony fucker. So just chill out, and tell the waitress I said I was sorry for my friend. I'll even bring my pony friend by some day to meet her, and she get all dewy eyed over her childhood fantasies." I shrugged and turned to leave, but turned back to say, "In the meantime, I think my asshole friend over there really needs another drink."

And without another word I stalked out. I needed to find something stronger to drink myself .

* * *

Everyone has their vices, some are stronger than others. Some smoke, some do drugs. I just enjoy the occasional drink. For my dad, it was whiskey; good 'ol Jack n Coke. Myself, I agreed more with mom and her jamaican rum. And a nice bottle followed me home in the hopes of relaxing for the rest of the evening. I really should have known better.

"Well hello Louis..." I heard a rather subdued voice coming from my living room. So far the house was clean, too clean. As I turned the corner, my jaw dropped. Pinkie stood in the middle of my room, which part of my brain noted was immaculately clean again, with her hair once again straightened, yet pulled into a complex knot of ribbons and sticks. She was clothed in the strangest kimono I had ever seen, cut to fit a quadruped, and yet completely modest, without the usual hospital gown ass-hanging-out that most pony clothing features. On her hooves were little slippers, and her face had the slightest touch of makeup. All she was missing was the whiteface to transform her into a little pink geisha.

"I, I... watafuga?" Not my most articulate statement, but I was in a bit of brainshock. Pinkie actually looked kinda sexy.

Giggling, she covered her mouth with a hoof, trying her best to look demure. It was definitely a new look for her. "I know how you like to watch those Annie Mae cartoons, so I did a little bit of research. Did I get the dress right? My mane took forever, since it doesn't like to stay straight when I am happy, and thinking of you makes me so so happy."

Finally I managed to unstick my brain, and close my eyes. When I opened them again, she was still there, chewing a lip and looking expectantly at me. Rubbing my eyes didn't help either. I did the only thing that came to mind, and turned on hardass mode.

"Good job cleaning the house, Pinkie. Thank you. Now I really need to find my shot glasses." Completely ignoring her question, I turned away, trying my damnedest to keep my face neutral. Finding the glasses where they belonged, I stiffly made my way back to the room, and collapsed onto the couch. I downed two shots before I even looked back at Pinkie.

"So do you like it? I did it especially for you." She was still standing in the same spot, worrying a hole in the rug with a hoof, and not looking directly at me.

"It's really nice Pinkie. You would be a hit at the anime conventions. It doesn't hurt that many of them are bronies too, I hear." Still trying to keep my voice neutral, I let the alcohol do it's work.

"Oh you really think so? 'Cause I really had a fun time making it, although the hair was the hardest part. It really makes me feel pretty though, and I kinda understand a bit why Rarity is always dressing up." Her normal clipper attitude started to creep back into her voice as she seemed to take my stiff compliment at face value.

"The only bad thing is I can't move very fast in this, which explains why the girls wearing them were always shuffling around so much. But if you like it, it was all worth it." as she finished, she shuffled next to me and sat on the couch. I almost flinched, but the booze was doing it's thing and I was able to mask my reaction in time.

I followed up with another drink, and realized I was still staring straight ahead. To mask my behavior, I turned on the TV. the uncomfortable silence continued, until I noticed from the corner of my eye that Pinkie was staring at the floor, looking rather rejected. I reached over and started to pet her, scritching behind her ears the way she loves. Hell, I'd be happy too if someone scritched my ears. With a sigh she leaned against me, and I could feel her smile radiating like a warm fire. I felt a bit guilty at indulging her like this, but another shot of rum helped with that.

Soon enough, the not so soft snores let me know it was my time to leave, and I gently lowered her to the couch, covering her with the blanket I kept across the back. As I turned to leave, I stopped to gaze at her smiling in her sleep, and felt all the worse for knowing I could never give her what she wanted. I held up the bottle or rum, seeing a quarter of it was already gone, and sighed.

"Looks like it's me and you tonight, old friend." And with one more weary sigh, I trudged off to my room, leaving a muttering pink pony asleep on the couch.

* * *

The next morning (afternoon) dawned bright and painful. I was finally awakened by the smell of food and the pain of a full bladder. As I stumbled into the bathroom, I passed the half empty bottle of rum I had cuddled with the night before, and shook my head in regret. That was another painful mistake. Once again I stared at my disheveled appearance and bloodshot eyes and asked myself why I ever touched alcohol. Of course, all of this pain would be forgotten the next time I felt up to drinking, and the cycle would begin anew.

One shower later, I was feeling slightly more human, and ready to face the day. Barring that, I was at least coherent enough to find a way to hide from the day instead. But the siren song of food lured my stomach into the open and I made my way to the kitchen.

I had grown used to Pinkie's wonderful home cooking, and the bacon incident aside, our breakfast meals were often something to look forward to. Needless to say, I was more than a little shocked to find Pinkie nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a rather bored looking pegasus sitting at the table tapping a hoof, until she saw me enter and jumped up to curtsey before me.

"Good morning, Master Louis! I have prepared your breakfast, and stand ready to serve you." I once again was stunned, as the bright, brash pony I had first met was now wearing what could only be described as the sexiest French maid outfit I had ever seen. t was all black and white lace, fitting her like a second skin and flaring with frills along her back end. Her rainbow hair was braided and coiled tightly against the back of her head, where a small black and white lace hat was pinned. That left the details of blush, lipstick and what appeared to be eye liner, with a feather duster tucked under one wing that seemed to be made from her own feathers. As I continued to stare in shock, the blush was replaced with a real one as she started to fidget under my gaze.

"What the fuck?" Was all I could get out, but it was enough to break the staring match and cause her to look away.

"Uhh, too much? I wasn't sure about the makeup. Not alot goes well with blue, so I had to improvise." She blushed harder and cleared her throat.

"Naw, its nice. It'd just... different." I replied lamely, as I took my seat. "So you cooked all this for me?"

"Oh hay no! I can barely boil water. I had Pinkie help me before she left for the day. I helped her with her outfit yesterday, so today is my turn." Her demure act quickly shattered, and the normal brash attitude came back into play. "So you hungry? I have been waiting for you to get up, and I'm starved!" Clearing her throat, she tried to regain the act, "I mean, if you are ready, Master Louis?" The eye flutter was too much and I chuckled as I took my seat.

The fare was bacon, eggs, and some golden home fries. Thankfully I had managed to get it through to Pinkie that hay was not acceptable on my menu. Dash piled her plate high, avoiding the bacon I noticed, before looking at me and making my plate. She carefully placed it in front of me, and then poured my coffee with a smile and a wink. I had done my research and gotten over my fear of contagion by ponies carrying things in their mouths, but it still make me squirm a bit.

Dash then slid back into her seat across from me and waited impatiently for me to eat first. I stared at her for a bit, as her brittle smile fluctuated, and her eyes kept drifting to the food. She seemed to be waiting for me to eat first, so I obliged.

"Dig in." I smiled, getting a grin in return.

"Don't mind if I do!" And with a fervor that made Pinkie look modest, she dived nose first into her plate, while I ate using my fork at a more sedate pace.

Soon both plates were clean, Dash's by her tongue, until she caught me staring and dropped the plate with a nervous laugh. "Eheh, sorry. I really miss Pinkie's cooking.

"It's cool, I have gained a few pounds myself since she moved in." And with a stretch, I let forth a mighty belch, making her laugh.

I left her to attend to the dishes, at her insistence, and made my way back to the couch. The remote was in my hand, and a warm glow on my belly as I saw black and white drift into the room.

"So. Um, is there anything I can get you, Master Louis? I am at your command, as your loyal maid for the day." More eyelashes fluttering, and a wiggle of the ribbon-bound tail followed.

"Yea, can ya get me a beer from the fridge?" I decided to play it cool. Perhaps I could have some fun with this, and get some free housework out of the deal.

With a wiggle and a smile, she disappeared into the kitchen, soon to return with a beer held by a wing. A quick twist of the hoof had the top off and beer in my hand. Mighty useful, I thought.

"Well now that you have your belly full, are there any more services that I can perform for you, master? Her voice grew almost hoarse in its attempt at huskiness, as she slid up next to me. A wing tentatively reached out to stroke my back in a way that I most likely aroused other ponies, but for me is was just kinda relaxing. I wasn't gonna complain. Finally the slow lick of her lips was the last straw and I couldn't keep a straight face any longer.

"Look, Rainbow Dash, I'm sorry, but I just can't do this." I shrugged off her wing, and scooted away from her. "I have tried to tell you and Pinkie, I am just not attracted to ponies, and all this..." I waved at the outfit, "Is just making you look slutty and foolish."

"Your mind's telling you no, but your body! Your body's telling you yeees!" With a flair of her wings, she started singing into the feather duster, before licking her lips and blowing a kiss at me.

I cringed at her rough voice mangling the words to the song. "You did not just try to sing S. Kelly! Seriously, just no. Stop singing, and stop trying to seduce me."

With a sigh, the pegasus pulled the hat off her head and tossed the duster on the floor, staring at it for a moment before answering. "I shoulda known this wasn't gonna work. All this seduction horseapples is more Rarity's thing, not mine. I'm more of a charge in and up front kinda mare." Turning to me with a smirk, she cocked an eyebrow at me. "So, wanna bang?"

"No. Hell no. Not even remotely interested." I sighed again and turned away. "Look, no offense, but the thought of screwing a pony is about as attractive to me as screwing a dog would be to you."

"Hey! Who told you about that? It was only one time, I was seriously wasted, and there was a bet involved. I think. Things were kinda fuzzy after the fifth cider." she looked away, blushing.

I stared at her, and deadpanned, "Wat."

"Oh I thought you were talking about diamond dogs. You meant... ew? Okay, I see your point." She rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. "Do you really not like ponies that much? I mean you live with one, who is the friendliest pony I know."

"It's not that I don't like you, it's just that I don't like you that way. I honestly don't see what you or her see in me either. I mean, to you I must look like some freaky shaved ape. What's the appeal?" I threw up my arms and rolled my eyes.

"Well you gotta understand, we come from a place where there are dozens of intelligent races, all who can talk to and relate with one another. I guess we are a bit more open minded." She threw up her own hooves at me, "Hell I used to date a griffon, for Celestia's sake! A friggin Griffon! They used to eat ponies back in the dark ages."

"Wow, that's some hardcore predator/prey kink going on there." I grimaced at the thought of possible kids.

"Tell me about it. It was fun at first, but she started to get a bit too... Alpha for my tastes, if you know what I mean." I just nodded sagely, having known a few aggressive females in my time. Thankfully I wasn't their type. "Let's just say, thank Celestia for healing potions." I shook my head as she unconsciously rubbed her back with a wing as if remembering an old wound.

With a sigh, she got off the couch and turned to face me. "It's okay, man. I understand. To be honest, you really aren't my type either, but I just couldn't resist a challenge." With a grin, she held out a hoof. "No hard feelings?"

I took the hoof firmly, and shook it with a grin. "None at all. You are pretty cool, Dash."

"Are you kidding? I'm featherin' AWESOME!" Suddenly she leaned forward and gave me a quick peck on the lips. "You are pretty awesome yourself, big fella. But just so you know, I really hate losing, so you owe me one!"

I couldn't help but grin as she turned away, before looking back over her shoulder. "If you ever change your mind about Ponies, gimme a call." And with a flick of her tail and a flash of pink, I heard the now familiar pop, letting me know that she still wasn't wearing her pony thong.

"Eeew! Gross, put some friggin pants on, dammit!" In a flash she was gone, leaving only her fading laughter behind her.

* * *

The next day, all three of us were at the door to wish Rainbow Dash off. It was a cheerful event, since Dash had forfeited the bet, an Pinkie was the de facto winner. She did leave me with a warning however, about the stubbornness of earth ponies, and the determination of Pinkie Pie in particular.

"What Pinkie wants, Pinkie gets. Be it a friend, a treat, or vengeance. Just watch your back, and don't break her heart. I don't wanna have to go looking for your corpse to rough it up if you do."

I quickly turned to look at a happily smiling Pinkie Pie, standing out of earshot. The worry on my face must have shown, sending Dash into a laughing fit.

"I'm just messin with ya, Louis. She's harmless, and sweet, just like her cupcakes." Giving me a playful punch in the arm she grinned at me, which made it creepier when she continued with a smile, "I'm serious though, don't hurt her." The last delivered in a whisper through smiling teeth. And in a flash she was gone again.

Turning back to Pinkie, I had only a moment to brace myself before being tackle-hugged to the ground. "Yay, I win! That means you are all mine again!"

"No." I said firmly.

"Awww, you're no fun. Can't we pretend, just for one day?" She once again tried the ridiculous puppy eyes, which only made me laugh as they always did.

"Okay, fine. You keep the house clean for a week, and you can pretend to be my girlfriend for the rest of the day. But no sex!" I shuddered, starting to have second thoughts already.

"Yay! I'm gonna be the best special somepony you ever had!" and to prove it, I received another rib cracking hug.

Surprisingly the day went by rather easily, with Pinkie acting no different than normal. Well, normal for Pinkie, anyway. She seemed content just to know she was my girlfriend, if only for a day. And I got a week's worth of free labor. Win-win in my book!

That still didn't help me sleep at night as I was tormented by dreams of a straight-haired Pinkie Pie wearing a french maid outfit, and chasing me with a feather duster made from a plucked Rainbow Dash.


	7. Hell Hath No Fury

Hell Hath No Fury

So another day dawns in paradise. Early to rise, early to work, coffee in hand and off to the slave pits of retail employment. I roll into work amid the normal greetings. Everyone loves me for some reason. Some for my frank outlook on life, some for my sales numbers, some just because I showed up for work. I am awesome, and the fact that I didn't show up with an automatic assault weapon makes everyone's day so much more bearable.

After the prerequisite ass kissing and uniform polishing, I slid into my place as the happy corporate drone and started my day of servitude. Don was the official apple polisher for the day, leaving me as the tech troll. I liked that just fine, and relaxed into my element as technological savant. I fixt tings.

"So that's five more virus removals this week, three only go to Stalkerbook, and two have no idea how they got infected. You ready for this?" Don grinned at me with his usual lack of fucks to give, as he prepped me for the day's misery. "I can do the tech if you wanna man the floor today."

"Hell no. I really am not in the mood to deal with customers today." I returned, feeling better adapted to hurting customers than helping them. "It's been one of those weeks."

"I hear ya, man. It's been one of those lives." We both nodded in agreement, and fist bumped, to seal the pact. And with that, he was on the floor, playing defense, while I played offense and fixed the computers. He kept the customers away, so that I could work.

The day wore on in this manner, until it was time for one of us to take a break. I drew the long straw, so I went first, and enjoyed a small break from the chaos as I ate my crappy meal in peace. All too soon my brief respite was over and I returned to the pit from whence I came.

"So, anything explode while I was gone?" I nonchalantly asked, as I clocked back in.

"Naa, just the usual customers that never remember the ink to their printers." Don groused.

"Yea, I know. 'Oh, can I see your printers? I'd know it if I saw it!' If it's more than six months old, we don't have it, so go home and find out, dipshit." We both laughed at my mimicry of the average customer.

"Oh by the way, I have a treat for you. I feel like shit for what happened at the bar the other day, so I helped hook you up." Don grinned. "You know your wingman always has your back, and since you don't wanna date a pony, I helped you out."

"Aww man, not that internet dating shit, again. Those people creep me out." I shuddered at the last encounter, trying to get back on my feet after the messy breakup with my ex.

"No, no, not that! Remember that chick from copy center? Well turns out it's not against the rules to date her, as long as she isn't your boss. And it turns out she's interested." Holding his fist up for a bump, I just stared at it in shock, like it was a poisonous snake.

"Wait, you mean Amanda? The sexy redhead?" She was as real cutie, but I never had the balls to talk to her. Not to mention, I didn't want to get fired for sexual harassment.

"Yeah, she came over while you were at lunch, asking about you. She asked all sorta stuff about you and Pinkie, and I told her she was just a roommate. She seemed happy that you were single. I told her all about you." He grinned and put his fist back up for a bump.

"Well damn, I never knew. She never even said more than 'hi' to me before. And didn't she have a boyfriend?" I bumped him back, still a little confused at the sudden interest.

"That's the best part, she totally ditched him a few days ago, and you know she's 'Down with the Brown' after dating him, so you totally have a shot." Giving me the thumbs up, he winked at me.

I just rolled my eyes in disgust. "Dude, stop being so friggin racist. That's so wrong."

"Bah, I'm not racist, and you know it. But everyone knows she only dates black guys. Why do you think I never hit on her?"

"Because her boyfriend was a pro athlete, and would stomp your chubby white ass." I couldn't help but grin. This may turn out to be a good day after all. And with a real girl in my life, maybe Pinkie would get a clue and back off. Besides, I hadn't gotten laid in over a year.

"Yeah, whatever. You should totally talk to her." He made shooing motions, and grinned wider.

So I checked my shirt, gathered up my courage, and swaggered over to the other side of the store. Luckily, there was almost nobody in the store, and Amanda was busy messing with her phone. I leaned on the counter and waited for her to notice me.

"Oh, hi Louis! What's up?" She smiled sweetly at me and put away her phone.

"Well, Don tells me you were asking about me. Anything I can help with?" I smiled my best salesman smile, putting genuine warmth into it.

"Oh, umm. I was just wondering what you were up to tonight." Suddenly she seemed a bit flustered, and I smiled even wider.

"Well, as a matter of fact, I don't have a damn thing to do tonight. What you have in mind?" Cock eyebrow, stroke goatee, smile smugly.

"Well maybe we can go see that new movie that came out, 'Rise of Thrackerzod' I heard it was good." She actually fluttered her eyelashes at me. I almost laughed, but she was to hot to tell her how funny it looked. Also, I had no idea what movie she was talking about, nor did I care.

"Well then, that sounds like a date. I'll meet you after our shift ends." I winked, and slowly swaggered away.

"So, how'd it go?" Don was practically bouncing as I approached.

I carefully kept my back turned so Amanda, as I gave one of my massive psycho grins. "Fuck yea, date tonight, gonna go see a movie!"

"Awesome! What movie?" he leaned on the counter, matching my hushed tones.

"Rise of Crackergod, or something. Fuck if I know. All I know is some hot chick wants to go out with me, and my dry spell is over! Looks like I owe you one." I reached up and gave him a high five.

"Dude! That's totally a brony movie. She may be testing you. It's about some evil pony god that takes over a filly and tries to destroy the world. She may be trying to see if you really do have a thing for ponies." He shook his head, looking over my shoulder at Amanda.

"Fuck man, what if she's a brony? Do I act like I like them, or play it cool?" Suddenly this didn't seem like such a good idea. "And since when did they start making evil god, destroy the world movies about ponies? I thought that pony shit was all; friendship and rainbows."

"Naa, I've never seen her as into Ponies, its gotta be a test. And since the real ponies arrived, they expanded the demographic to finally include adults and ponies. They have a few coming out that are PG-13, and even an R rated horror flick. There's trailers all over BluTube. You really are outta the loop concerning ponies, aren't you?" He gave an exasperated sigh and threw his hands up. "Only you could live with the greatest discovery of our entire civilization, and not care."

"Meh, I'm just not that into ponies. It it ain't got tits, it ain't worth shit." I snarked, laughing as he walked away muttering. "Just be lucky I talk to your ugly ass."

* * *

The movie was good, the popcorn was overpriced, and Amanda was smoking hot. She wasn't all clingy, and actually made me happy to hang out with her. And best of all, she didn't even know it was a pony flic, so it wasn't a test after all. When we were done, we decided to go out to get some real food, and maybe a few drinks.

"So, this is the place that gave you shit for having a pony friend?" As we walked into my old watering hole. I couldn't help but grin.

"Yea, I thought it would be funny to see the look on their face when they see me walk in with a hot date. Do you know anyone interested?" I joked, getting a punch in the arm and a grin. That was when she leaned forward and we kissed. It was so sudden, I was taken by surprise, and it ended far too soon.

"I like you, you're funny and cute." Smiling sweetly, she pulled me inside the bar.

I saw the manager from last time, and made sure he was looking as I pulled Amanda into another kiss. We took a seat, and waited for the server, and I was pleasantly surprised to see a cream coated pony with some serious emo-striped hair head our way.

"Hello, my name is Bonbon, and I will be your server today!" She gave us our menus, and took our drink orders. The entire time I waited to see the reaction from my date, but there was no change in her bubbly mood.

"Hey, Bonbon, any idea what happened to the server we had last time? She got all in my face about having a pony friend." I carefully inquired.

"Oh, you must be the guy that Pinkie is living with! I heard that bitch got all in your face about it, then she quit. Did you and Pinkie break up or something? I heard so much about you from the last time she came to town, that I decided to visit myself and try my hoof at a little interspecies romance." She stopped talking as she saw my hand race toward my face, and Amanda start to give me weird looks.

"No. I don't know what Pinkie has been saying, but we have never been a couple. She's just renting a room from me." I turned to face Amanda, and try to explain. "She's a sweet kid, but not wrapped too tight. She still seems to have a crush on me or something."

"Aww, Pinkie Pie is harmless, and you could do much worse if you ever dated a pony. You should meet my ex some time. Certifiably nuts." She grinned at the two of us. "Well, at least Pinkie has good tastes." Focusing on Amanda, she patted her hand with a hoof. "If half of what I have heard about this fella is true, you are one lucky girl."

"Yeah, I am kinda getting that feeling myself." With a sly grin, she looks over at me as the waitress trots off to get our order. "So, a pony has a crush on you? Anything I should be worried about?"

"Hell no. I have no interest in ponies. I am however interested in redheads with beautiful smiles and a nice round bootay." I leered back at her, getting a big grin in return.

"Well that's good. I'll let you know if I meet one." A good chuckle later and our drinks arrived. We ordered our food, and I was rather happy to see my date had a healthy appetite. Skinny, salad-eating twig girls just ain't my thing. Amanda ordered a double bacon burger with fries, and I had the same, and a few more beers later we were both feeling damn good.

After leaving a nice tip for Bonbon, who got a bit huggy as we left, (apparently its an earth pony thing) the two of us headed out. I debated asking her over my place, but then the decision was taken out of my hands as she asked me herself.

"So, are you gonna invite me over? I'd love to see that amazing house Don told me about. Did your dad really design it?" She practically gushed as we made our way back to work where we had left her car.

"Oh he told you about that eh? Yea my dad was some big shot architect for the military back in the day. Made alotta money, met my mom, decided to change jobs and went into real estate. Now they are retired in Florida, and left me the old house." I summed up my parents rise to prominence. "Now its just me in a big old house. Well, me and Pinkie Pie. Decided to rent out one of the rooms, and she showed up." I shrugged, leaving the rest unsaid.

"That's awesome! I wish my parents left me a house. They are still renting the same apartment I grew up in. I finally had to move out and try something new." Shrugging, she looked out the window as the streetlights drifted by.

After getting her car, we headed to my place, giggling like a couple of kids as we made our way to the door. I fumbled the keys, getting even more laughs, and soon we were inside. She made the appropriate noises at the size of the place. It was modest, but still one of the larger ones in the neighborhood, and I kept it in good condition.

Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere: Pinkie Pie.

"Welcome home Louis! I was starting to get a little worried!" Amanda almost jumped into my arms as Pinkie managed to appear right in front of us. "Oooh, who's this? Is she a friend of yours? Can we be friends? I love making new friends!"

"Heya Pinkie, yea I guess you can say this is a new friend of mine..." I looked to Amanda for support, and helped her unwind from around my neck.

"Yes! I am his new girlfriend." And with that, I was being kissed harder than she had done before. I leaned into it, and felt my heart leap in my chest as the meaning behind her words sank in. I had a girlfriend. A hot, redheaded, sexy girlfriend. Yes indeed, the dry spell was over!

As we finally came back for air, I remembered we were not alone. "Oh, by the way, Pinkie, this is Amanda. Amanda, I would like you to meet Pinkie Pie."

Looking over to my roommate, I saw she has frozen in place with a look of shock. Slowly this faded to be replaced with one of the scariest looks I had ever seen. Lidded eyes and a straight edged frown made her look positively menacing.

Suddenly she stepped forward, standing on her hind legs to look Amanda in the eye as she slowly growled, "I. Will. End. You."

Reaching for a conveniently placed water bottle, I broke the spell by spraying her squarely in the face. "No! Bad Pinkie! Down, Back off. Now go to your room!" And just as suddenly, she dashed off, yelping like a kicked puppy.

"What the hell was that, Louis?" A very shaken Amanda demanded.

"I don't know, I've never seen her act like that. Maybe its her pony period of something." I shrugged lamely.

"I think I better go." She grabbed her purse from where it had fallen, and turned for the door.

"Wait, no! Don't go. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding." I begged as she opened the door.

"Louis, your pony friend, who you admit has a crush on you, just threatened to end me." She rolled her eyes and took a step backwards through the door. "Obviously you two have some issues to work out. I suggest you deal with them before our next date."

I stood stunned as she walked away, before mentally smacking myself in the back of the head and running after her. "Wait, you said second date? As in you still wanna go out with me?"

"Well duh? You think that this is the first time I have had to deal with a jealous ex girlfriend? You just need to put a muzzle on her if you want this to work out between us." she quickly kissed me on the lips, and slipped inside of her car. She was speeding off as my brain unlocked and I could think straight again.

"YES! Second date with a redhead!" I shouted to the sky. I quickly dashed back to the house. I needed to have a talk with my roommate.

* * *

I had to forgo my talk with Pinkie, since she had locked herself in her room, and I was too distracted by my current love interest to care. Shower, shave, and off to bed, feeling on top of the world, I awoke the next morning to the amazing smell of food.

"Oh heya Pinkie, making breakfast again?" I smiled and took a seat as she slid a plate in front of me.

"Yeppers! I wanted to make up for being all meanie Pinkie to your friend yesterday. I don't know what I was thinking, but we all need our friends, and I shouldn't get upset that some of your friends are girls! And I then I thought, what was the best way to make a man happy? And then I remembered you didn't wanna do that. So I thought, was the second best way? And I remembered, Granny Pie always said the way to a man's heart was under the ribcage, but if you got squeamish about the blood, then try through his stomach!"

"Umm... okay. Your Granny sounds like an interesting woman." I honestly could not tell if I was being seduced, or threatened. Also, the way she put emphasis on the word 'friend' set off an alarm in my head.

"Oh definitely! She was so much mare that she wore out three husbands before she had my pappy and settled down to start the farm. My momma says I take after her, because I am so full of life." Grinning madly, she leaned her chin on her hooves and looked across the table at me.

"Pinkie, can we please dial back the creepy factor a bit. I haven't had my coffee yet and I'm just not up to it yet." I groaned and took a bite of the huge omelette in front of me. It was full of veggies and potatoes, and I was glad to see she had remembered not to put any hay in it this time.

"Oh! yes, I forgot the coffee! Let me get that for you, Louis!" She quickly hopped around the kitchen and had a steaming mug in front of me in moments.

Taking in the aroma of the fresh coffee, I sighed in contentment. One sip was bliss, and two was nirvanna. The advantage of having a coffee addict in the house was getting access to the good stuff. But then I looked up at Pinkie looking at me from across the table with that manic grin again.

"Pinkie, if any of this is poisoned, I swear I will come back from the dead to kick your ass." I deadpanned, and went back to my food.

Pinkie looked genuinely hurt, "I would never do anything like that Louis! I just wanted to make up for yesterday. I know you don't have many friends, and I haven't made as many as I was hoping myself, so the ones I have are important to me. That means your friends are important to me, because you are my friend."

"Okay, that's fine. All is forgiven. Just please don't act like a creepy ex-girlfriend when she is around. I like Amanda, and she likes me. If I'm lucky we may have something special.

Frowning, Pinkie looked down at the table. "I dunno, Louis. Something about her makes my Pinkie sense tingle. I think she's bad for you, and may hurt you. She doesn't deserve you."

Getting peeved, I stood up from the table. "And who exactly does deserve me? You? We have been over this before. You are a great girl, a good friend, but I am just not into ponies. I can never give you the kind of love and affection you want. I actually find the idea of making out with a pony to be rather creepy, so will you please just let it go?"

As I turned to go, I heard her strangled whisper, "You think I'm creepy?" But I felt I had made my point, and went to my room to get ready for work.

* * *

Work went quickly. I was on an emotional high, as Amanda made flirtatious comments, and Don gave me shit for it. Even the obnoxious customers failed to knock me off my cloud as the day zipped past. Soon enough it was time to leave, and once again Amanda met me in the parking lot.

"So, what do you wanna do on our second date?" I asked with a smile, holding my car door open for her.

"Well, we went to your favorite place last time, lets go to one of mine?" She gave me a peck on the cheek as she slid into the car.

"Why not, where to?" She gave me directions and we set off. It was a place I hadn't been to before, being a bit more frugal minded, but she insisted it was amazing, and that her ex used to take her there all the time. I figured, why not splurge a bit to impress?

Arriving from work, I felt more than a bit under dressed, but was greeted and seated without any fuss. The menu made me twitch a bit when I realized it was one of those places with no prices on the menu. I could already hear my wallet crying out in pain. Ah, for the love of a woman, what a fool is man. And if I wanna tap dat ass, I better tap my wallet. It's a tradition as old as humanity.

"So, you and your ex ate here alot?" I smoozed over the bread basket.

"Well, yes. He liked the finer things, and we enjoyed them often." She smiled coyly over her wine.

"Yes, well he did have you, and you are one of the finer things I have ever seen." I grinned back over my own wine. Not my drink of choice, but 'When in Rome'... This place didn't even have beer on the menu.

"Oh you do flatter me so, my dear sir!" Taking on a Katie O'Hara voice, she batted her eyes at me like a southern belle.

"I only call things like I see them, Ma'am." Winking at her I took another long gulp of my wine.

That was when the food arrived. And Pinkie.

"Hiya folks! Are you two having a good time tonight?" Pinkie grinned as she refilled our wine glasses. She was wearing a red vest and white collar with a black bow tie. She also had her hair neatly combed and pinned back into a tight bun somehow, and even white cuffs on her front hooves. The entire look made her seem like a pony valet.

"Pinkie! What the hell are you doing here?" I hissed through clenched teeth. Amanda looked just as shocked as me.

"Well, I wanted your evening to be perfect, so I pulled in a few favors and got the job here so I could take care of everything for you!" She turned to my date and gave a little bow. "Madam, I would like to apologize for my behavior the other night. It was unbecoming of me, as a friend Louis, and a representative of Equestria."

I was startled at Pinkie's suddenly stiff and formal speech, but Amanda just giggled and took it in stride. "It's okay, Pinkie. We all just got off on the wrong foot, err hoof?"

"Okay! So are you ready for food?" Her normal cheerfulness returned in force, Pinkie bounced back to the nearby tray of covered dishes. "We have the steak, with steamed asparagus, well done with a side of au jus." She presented my plate, with a well charred steak, yet still juicy judging by the small puddle beneath it. My mouth began to water at the smell that arose from it.

"And for ze lady, ve have ze Lobster Florentine, vif ze side of petite filet mignon medallions in truffle sauce." Her sudden accent made us both chuckle, while the mention of the exorbitantly priced meal made me want to cry.

"Thank you, Pinkie. It looks fabulous!" We both grinned and dug into the food. Meanwhile, Pinkie had taken a step back, and was grinning at us as we we dug into the food. As expected, my steak was a masterwork, perfectly charred, yet still tender and juicy inside. Anyone that says you cannot have a tender, well done steak needs to go back to culinary school and learn. When you grow up with a father that teaches you how to drag your food out of the woods and cook it over a campfire, you learn all sorts of techniques for preparing meat.

Meanwhile, Amanda was starting to sweat, and grabbed for her wine glass, gulping half of it. She was bright red, her face surpassing her hair, and started fanning her mouth.

"What's wrong, Amanda? Too is the food spicy?" Venom practically dripped from Pinkie's words as she leaned closer, evil grin on her face." I saw what was happening, and started to get pissed.

"Oh god yes! This is amazing!" Amanda cried out, stunning both me and Pinkie Pie. We looked at each other, then back at the redhead with matching looks of shock.

"I haven't had anything this good in years. My momma was cajun, and she used to make me spicy stuff like this all the time growing up. I haven't had good spicy food like this since her and dad split up, and he got custody of me and my sister." She turned to the pony, a look of bliss on her face and tears in her eyes. "Oh Pinkie, I had you all wrong. How did you know?"

Looking very uncomfortable in the wake of her failed prank, Pinkie shuffled her hooved and looked away from us. "Oh, uhh. Y'know. I just asked some friends, and stuff. I kinda figured you would, umm, like things as fiery as your hair!" I had to resist the urge to facepalm at the blatant lie, but Amanda seemed to buy it.

"Thank you so much! And tell the chef this was awesome!" Getting up, she knelt down and gave Pinkie a massive hug, before retaking her seat and tearing into the over spiced food with a gusto, moaning between bites.

I managed to glare my best 'I know' glare at Pinkie, causing her to smile weakly, and dash off in defeat. Thankfully the rest of the meal was uninterrupted, save for the manager coming out to present us personally with the rather large bill. A week's wages well spent.

Arriving home, I kissed Amanda goodnight in front of my house, before turning around to see a pink face glaring at us from the window. It soon disappeared, and I found Pinkie's door once again locked when I went inside to talk to her. I shrugged it off and walked back to my room to reflect on the strange evening.

* * *

Over the next few days, Pinkie remained distant, spending most of her time home in her room, or off at work or elsewhere. I enjoyed this bit of freedom exploring my blossoming relationship with Amanda. However, things were not going so well for her, and I couldn't help but think that Pinkie was behind it.

One day, she had her car towed, due to some overdue parking fines. Another day she received a letter that her wages were being garnished for not paying her college loans. Then her tires were flattened, and another time she came home to find her lawn had been fertilized by mistake, with fresh cow manure. It was like an unending series of mishaps, none of which could directly be linked, but I just knew.

Then the day came that I found her breaking down at work. She was crying in the breakroom, and I walked in. "What's wrong, babe?

She turned to me, smearing her mascara as she wiped her eyes. "I dunno, but I may lose my job. I took an online order for three thousand prints, laminated, and didn't get the payment info. After I had them done, the customer canceled, but because they weren't paid for in advance, they are trying to say it's my fault!"

I leaned over and picked up one of the prints, rather simply done, with images of gems and gold, and words down the center. I read them and started to feel a sinking feeling, as I realized the words were lyrics to a rather popular song. 'Gold Digger', by Omari West.

"I've gotta go babe. I think I know what's going on, and I'm gonna go deal with it." I gave her a kiss and a quick hug before leaving to deal with the troublemaker.

Slipping into Party City next door, I spotted Pinkie right away, surrounded by a group of kids. I carefully kept my face neutral as I walked up and tapped her on the shoulder. Her grin dimmed a bit as she turned and saw the look on my face, and she failed to give her usual cheerful greeting.

"Pinkie Pie, I need to talk to you for a moment. Outside." I kept my face a still mask as the children whined about losing their entertainment, but Pinkie didn't say a word as she walked behind me.

Outside, I continued around the side of the building, away from public view and stopped. As I turned around I finally let my anger show, and Pinkie took a step back, her eyes widening in fear.

"Umm, what's up Louis? I-I can't talk long, gotta get back to work, ya know?" Nervously she shuffled her hooves, not looking at me.

"You know exactly what you did. You have stepped over the line Pinkie, and you are really pissing me off now." I tried my best to keep my voice even, but I really was pissed. "Amanda may get into real trouble because of your shit. And I know it's you that had been pulling the the other pranks on her."

"Bu-but Louis..." SHe cried, before stopping. "I dunno what you are talking about." Suddenly she tried to act cool, and looked away from me.

"Listen to me very carefully Pinkie. I consider us friends, for the moment. There are many things I will tolerate from my friends. Lying is not one of them." I crouched down and grabbed her chin to make her face me as I spit out the words, I could see the fear in her own eyes clearly.

"I'm sorry Louis, but I am only trying to help. She's a bad person, and she only wants to hurt you!" She started to cry, her eyes spilling tears, which she wiped away with a hoof. "She doesn't deserve you, and she only likes you because she thinks you are rich. I asked around, and everypony she has dated has been rich, and she always leaves them. I even talked to her last coltfriend. He called her a gold digging bitch." Both hooves covered her mouse at the swear word.

I let out a long suffering sigh and shook my head. "Pinkie, every guy that has ever been dumped by a girl says shit like that. When you are hurt, you lash out." I sat on the ground, feeling tired. "Did he also tell you he used to hit her?" I saw her eyes go wide in shock at this. "I bet he didn't. Or all the times he cheated on her?"

"I didn't know." She shook her head.

"Of course you didn't. Now I need you to leave her alone and stop this stupid bullshit, okay?"

"Mmhmm." Slowly she nodded. "I still think she's wrong for you. She doesn't love you like..." Suddenly her eyes went wide, and she turned tail to run. I saw a flash of pink, and then she was gone around the building.

"Dammit Pinkie. What the fuck am I gonna do with you?" Sighing again, I got off the ground and headed back to work.

* * *

For the next few days, nothing much happened Pinkie stayed clear of me, and nothing happened to Amanda. It was decided that it was the customer's fault the order was canceled too late, and we would not be taking any more orders from them.

Me and Amanda were growing closer all the time, and finally it was time to step up our game. Instead of heading out to some fancy place, I was cooking dinner for her, and we would spend the night at my house. Pinkie was out for the night, and I got to work. Some of my mother's cookbooks gave me all I needed to make her famous spicy jerk chicken, which I knew Amanda would love.

Dinner went flawlessly, as did the drinks on the couch, watching old kung-fu movies and making out. After we were all hot and heavy, we moved things into my bedroom for a night to remember. She wasted no time tearing my clothes off, but then slowly teased me as she peeled away each garment.

"So are you ready for this?" She purred as she slid the last piece to the floor. My nudity left no question if my readiness.

"Damn straight I'm ready! Girl, get your fine ass over here and gimme some lovin!" I grinned my best grin as she crawled onto the bed, slowly sliding her body against mine, until she was face to face. We kissed, hard and fierce, before pulling back panting.

I looked her in the eyes, and felt my heart ready to burst. Some other parts of me wanted to burst as well, but I paused, putting a finger on her lips to stop her a moment. "Hold on, hon." She just looked at me confused.

"Pinkie. Now I KNOW you are not thinking of interrupting us, because if you did, I would be forced to rip your fucking tail off and feed it to you." My only response was the soft clopping of hooves away from my door, as Amanda looked at me in shock. "Now where were we?" I grinned at her and we continued our dance. It was glorious.

* * *

The next day I awoke feeling like a new man. Amanda was sleeping in my arms, and the future seemed full of possibilities. Getting laid can do that to you. Even the scratches and bruises from a hard night seemed to melt away with the morning sunshine.

Slipping out of bed, I made my way to the shower, getting cleaned up for the day. Halfway through, Amanda joined me. We got a little dirty while we were getting clean, but it all came out in the wash. We walked into the kitchen to find Pinkie smiling over a table full of food, and sat down next to each other, giggling like kids.

"Hey folks, I bet you guys are real hungry after last night! You kept me up, with all your groany, moany, spankyness." She made a face, then stuck her tongue out with a grin to let us know she was teasing.

"Thanks Pinkie, sorry about the noise. You never know till it's too late if someone is a screamer." I chuckled as Amanda punched me in the arm.

"Hey, I warned you I get loud. Next time warn a girl before you grab her nipples!" Smacking me in the back of the head with a laugh, she started to fill her plate, and I filled mine.

Suddenly, Pinkie was right between us grinning, and I felt a bit of a chill go down my spine. Her smile was just a bit off, and her hair was a bit too straight.

"Well it's about time you two finally sorted things out. I thought it was going to take forever before Louis found somepony else to play with." Smiling, she gave me a little peck on the cheek.

"Someone else?" Amanda said darkly, giving me a suspicious look.

"Oh yes! Now I get to share him with somepony else, and we can have all sorts of threesome fun games! Having Louis to myself was nice, but games are alway more fun when you SHARE." Smiling lecherously, she leered at my girlfriend, while licking her lips.

"Pinkie, what the hell are you doin? Didn't I tell you to back off?" I pushed her away from us, and turned to Amanda, whose face was turning as red as her hair.

"Oh fuck no! That's just sick, the both of you. I don't give a shit how rich you are, I am NOT sharing you with a fucking pony!" Amanda had stood up and was backing away from the table.

"The fuck you just say?" My heart sunk as the words hit home, and I could see the realization that she had screwed up in her eyes. Meanwhile, Pinkie was sitting on her butt, grinning like an idiot at us. "Who the fuck said I was rich, and what's it matter to you?"

"Your friend, Don. He said you have filthy rich parents, and live in a big ass house." She had the nerve to try looking indignant. "I mean, not that it matters. I love you and will always love you, but not if you are screwing around with some fucking animal! What kind of diseases could she carry? Is that even legal? You need some serious help."

She started walking toward the door, but I stopped her, grabbing her arm and turning her to face me. "First off, I have not, nor would I ever fuck a damn pony. Pinkie knows that, and I have no idea why she's fucking around saying that shit. Second, I don't have shit. My parents are rich, but they made me work for a living like they did. I got this house from them, but not a damn penny since I hit 18. One of these days I may get off my ass, go back to college and get my masters, and become some big shot, but until then I am just an average guy trying to chill in life." I stopped to catch my breath, before continuing. "Are you really that stupid? Do you think I LIKE working at a shit ass job fixing broke ass computers? It pays the bills, because nobody else is gonna do it."

At this point, her look went from indignant fury, to cold loathing. "I fucking shoulda known. Another broke ass nigger trying to look good. Why the fuck do I bother with you people? My parents were right I shoulda-" Her tirade was interrupted by an open palmed slap to the face.

"Get. The fuck. Out." There are many things that annoy me in this world, but few will make me lose my cool. Racism is one of these. Anyone growing up mixed understands, and this stuck up, racist, white bitch just crossed that line.

"Fuck you! Have fun fucking your damn pony bitch, you sick FREAK!" Grabbing her purse, she ran out the door. I got a final view of her nice ass as she tripped and face planted running down my walkway, but I was too upset to enjoy it.

I walked out the door, watching her get into her car and leave, before hearing Pinkie walk up behind me. I turned to see her eyes brimming with tears as she looked up at me with a forlorn expression.

"I'm so sorry, Louis. I didn't know what else to do. I just knew she was going to hurt you, so I had to make her go away." She started to cry in earnest. "I-I d-did it for you. You are my fr-friend, and I couldn't bbear to see what she was doing to you."

I felt numb, the adrenaline wearing off as my anger bled away to be replaced with a cold emptiness. For a short time I had been happy, and now it was over. I slowly knelt down and opened my arms to the pony, and held her in a hug until she stopped crying. The stillness ate at me, and I felt a painful ache like I hadn't eaten in days. Finally I pulled back and looked her in the eyes.

"Pinkie, thank you. You are a good friend, and I will always value that friendship. You kept me from making a big mistake, and for that I should be grateful." I stopped and stood up, looking down at the pink furball that had been sharing my home and my life for the last few months. She looked up at me, smiling with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"I should be grateful, but I am not." I drew back my mighty pimp hand of justice, and a crack rang out, my hand going numb as I delivered a mighty bitch slap to the person, the pony, who had destroyed my moment of happiness, no matter if it was real or not.

Coldly, I glared down at her as she rubbed her cheek in shock. "I don't care if you are my friend, Pinkie. If you ever interfere with my love life again, I will kick your ass outta my house so fucking fast, that even your friend Rainbow Dash won't be able to catch you before it hits the curb. Am I clear?" Slowly she nodded, and I turned away.

As I walked away from my house to search for a bottle of something to drown myself with, I could almost hear the sobbing of the filly over the sound of my own breaking heart.


	8. Country Roads

Country Roads

There is a reason that farmers and folks that live off the land wake with the sun, and it had nothing about being healthy or wise. Basically it has to do with the fact that everything else living on the land wakes with the sun and proceeds to make such an annoying racket, that you can't sleep anymore. Needless to say for city folk, this is a nightmare, but I was close enough to my father's redneck roots to have put my time in wilderness survival, and wasn't as bothered by it anymore. That didn't mean I was happy to be woke up after a long night drinking by the sound of a woodpecker searching for food outside my tent.

It had been three days since I left home, after giving short notice to my job and cashing in on some long overdue vacation time. I claimed medical emergency, and made it rather clear that I was not going to be the one injured if I didn't get out of town quick. I just needed to get away for a few days, and get my head sorted out over what was going on back home.

My mind and my emotions were a mess, so I did what most of the men did in my situation, find some alcohol, some survival gear, and head off to the wilderness. Granted, it usually involved hunting down and killing something, but it was not hunting season, so it was just drinking and camping. The cooking and eating of meat was still an option I chose, although it came from a supermarket down the mountain at the nearest town, twenty miles away.

Now I was awake, only mildly hungover, and more than a little smelly. I stretched in my sleeping bag, scratched my scraggly beard which was starting to grow out, and got ready to greet the day. I was strongly considering some fishing, or maybe another hike. This was of course after a nice breakfast of eggs and leftover steak. I had to finish the last of the perishables before I ran out of ice in the cooler.

Unzipping the tent, I slipped on my camp shoes and stepped out into the chilly morning air, stretching with a huge yawn. I stopped in mid-yawn at the sight of an orange pony sitting in front of me, looking rather pissed.

"Louis? We need to talk." A country twang gave me further pause, as I racked my brain to remember where I had seen this pony before. She was one of Pinkie's friends. Blackjack? Applesnack? I couldn't remember.

"Who the fuck are you, and how the hell did you find me?" I asked the obvious question, before plopping into the folding chair next to my tent.

"Name's Applejack." Oh yea, that was it. The farm pony. "Ah'm a friend of Pinkie Pie, and Ah'm right livid bout what you dun to that poor filly."

In a flash, pain blossomed in my jaw, and I was suddenly looking up at the leafy canopy. Before I could get my bearings, the angry face of my visitor was looking down at me.

"That was fer what ya did ta Pinkie. Ah outta buck yer hide clear offa this mountain, but it ain't the pony way. And besides, Pinkie'd never forgive me." She reached out a hoof, which I carefully take as she helps me back up.

Rubbing my jaw, I felt for loose teeth with my tongue. "I probably deserved that."

"Ya damn straight ya did. What you done did to that poor sensitive filly was inexcusable. She's all sweet on you, talks bout ya all the time, and you go an kick her to the curb like a wormy apple." Snorting for emphasis, she plopped on her rear, still glaring at me.

I deadpanned at the irate pony, sitting back into my chair with a sigh. "You obviously are not getting the entire story." The only response I got was a single raised eyebrow that would make any Vulcan proud. "Look, Pinkie is a sweet kid, I love her to bits, which is why I still let her live with me after all the shit she's pulled. However, she went to damn far this time. I have told her over and over that I don't wanna fuck a damn pony, but she won't back the hell off. And finally, when I find a girl that is interested in me, she starts some shit and breaks us up."

I rolled my eyes, "Sure, it turns out she was a gold digging bitch, but she was digging on ME. I was tappin that ass, and I was happy. Pinkie couldn't handle it and flipped her shit, so I had to put her in her place."

"And what place would that me, mister human?" the farm pony dryly replied.

"Oh fuck you. You don't get to pull the race card on me." I fumed, getting heated up. "You don't know shit about having your own kind think you are lesser than they are just because of the color of your damn fur." I paused and pointed a finger at her. "And for the record, I still consider Pinkie Pie to be one of my best friends, and love her like she was my own sister, which makes me even less wanna sleep with her."

"Landsakes! Is that all ya'll think about is sex?" She took her hat off and rolled her eyes at me. "What am Ah sayin, course it is. Yer a male. And Ah bet is sure don't help none that your females go into heat at the drop of a hat. Any hat." she finished, deadpanning as she dropped her hat for emphasis.

It was my turn to cock an eyebrow. "Some you only have to mention hats." I replied with an equally deadpan look.

This lasted all of five seconds before we both burst into laughter. "Boy, Ah'm starting to see what Pinkie sees in you, but you got alot to learn bout ponies. Especially mares."

"Show me any man that claims to know women, and I will show you the worlds biggest liar, or the world's most deluded fool." I quipped. This got me more laughter, and an outstretched hoof, which I shook.

"Ah like you, feller. But me an you gotta sort this mess out with Pinkie, and quick, afore she does somethin stupid. Again." Sighing, she plopped her hat back on her head.

"I'd welcome any advice from someone that knows her, but I think better when I'm not starving. Care to join me for breakfast? I gotta cook the rest of these eggs before they spoil." I motioned in the general directions of my cooler, and the smoldering campfire.

"That's mighty neighborly of ya, Louis. I could go fer some vittles myself. I hiked up this blasted mountain, and been starin at yer tent since dawn."

"Well then, I don't know how you feel about meat, but if you get that fire going, I can heat up some leftover steak, some eggs, and mebbe some leftover chili." I grinned at her flank meaningfully. "Sorry, but no apples."

"Meh, not much for meat, but some eggs an chili sounds nice. Long as we ain't gotta share a tent afterwards!" She chuckled and got to work stoking the fire, while I started on the food.

* * *

After an improvised breakfast, we sat around the small fire, grinning at each other. I am sure neither found what we had expected in the other, and I was feeling much better already with a full stomach.

"You know you're wrong. Ah know more than ya may think." Applejack muttered as she licked her plate clean.

"What? About what?" Looking up from the fire, I gazed at the solemn expression on my newest companion.

"Ah do understand what it's like. Mah family is real close, an real proud. We are Apples, and we are Earth Ponies. There are a few odd ducks, but mostly Earth Ponies." She looked up to me, and shrugged. "Ah got a broader view on things, living in Manehatten awhile, but many of us still resent how we are treated by the other tribes. Wars were fought, the unicorns and the pegasai used us in their wars with each other. Earth Ponies remember that.

"There are still places an Earth Pony ain't welcome in Canterlot. So ya, I understand." With a sigh she laid down and looked into the barely visible fire.

"So its not all rainbows and friendship in happy pony land, eh? I woulda never guessed from the way everyone paints it. Especially Pinkie." I chuckled, "All she talks about is friendship and parties."

"Yeah, well Pinkie is a bit of an odd duck. We all love her, but she's different than most ponies." Scratching her head, the farm pony tried to think of a way to get her meaning across.

"Ya don't say?" I deadpanned.

"Ah do say! For her, friends are what keeps her goin. She measures her self worth in the number of friends she has, and falls apart without em." Shuddering at a memory she went on, "Ah remember the time she thought we hated her parties, and didn't wanna be her friend. T'wern't pretty, Ah kin tell ya that."

"Oh yea, I remember Don trying to get me to watch that episode. Her hair went all straight and she was talking to herself." I managed to surprise myself by remembering that little tidbit.

"This weren't no show! She went plum loco, locked herself in her room and threw a party with toys she done made to look like us." A bit of fire sprang into her eyes as she stared me down. "Me an Dash had ta break in a window and drag her off to the hospital. Took alotta drugs to calm her down, and weeks of therapy." Looking down at the ground, her voice became hollow. "Turns out, the cake was poisoned. Lucky it got smashed in the fight ta git her out of the house, but poor Fluttershy fed some to one of her critters. Took us days to calm her down."

"Pinkie was throwin one last party, all by lonesome." Looking up, Applejack glared at me. "So now you see the damage you coulda done?"

"Well damn." I muttered, still in shock. "I used to joke about her poisoning the food, but now it's not so funny. But you got her help, right? I mean I knew she was a bit unstable, but damn."

"Yeah, we took good care of her, and she's mostly fine now, but we all still worry."

"Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand her being all over me like that though. I mean, she spent the day in heat chasing me around the house and trying to rape me, and let me tell you, it's not as fun as it sounds!" I pointed an accusing finger at the mare.

Laughing at my joke, Applejack blushed. "Yeah, well that weren't a fun day fer anypony. There's places in Texas Ah ain't welcome no more."

"Ooooh! Do tell!" I put my chin on my folded hands like a gossip leaning on a fence.

"Aww no, I ain't tellin that story. Weren't one of mah prouder moments. Let's just say, the term 'Cowgirl' now has new meaning." She fanned herself with her hat as the blush grew.

I busted up laughing, remembering Rainbow Dash's story. Seems all the ponies got into trouble that day.

"Well, as much fun as it would be to pry that one outta you, we are out of food. I planned to do some fishing for dinner, care to join?" I hitched a thumb up the trail away from camp.

Rubbing her chin in thought a moment, the orange pony looked almost comical. "Hmmm, sure. Ain't nowhere Ah gotta be, an Ah ain't been fishin in a long while." Straightening her hat, she gave me a half lidded glare. "Asides, we got more talkin to do."

* * *

Half an hour later we had the last of the ice chilling some beer, while we set up camp on the nearby lake. It was actually an old beaver dam, but it had been around so long it had been pretty much made a permanent part of the landscape.

"Wanna beer?" I offered one to Applejack, who shrugged and nodded. I tossed it, and she caught it in her mouth, like a dog, before transferring it to her hooves.

"Hmm, it ain't cider, bit its not bad either. Got a bit of bitter to it." Chugging half the bottle, the farmer grinned at me.

"It's not bad, for the price. I could show you around town next time you visit and let you sample the local brewery. They got some awesome microbrews on tap." Pounding back my own cold beer, I grinned back before casting my line.

"So, what ya gonna do bout Pinkie? She has us girls, but not alotta real friends where she's living at with you. Losing you would hurt her somethin fierce." Casting her own line, AJ sat back and waited for a bite, pulling the stetson over her eyes as she talked.

"I understand how dependant on her friends she can be. After she got her computer set up, she didn't leave her room for three days. She spent the entire time on Stalkerbook making friends on the internet." I chuckled at the memory. "I finally had to drag her out and make her take a damn shower after the smell got too bad. Have you ever smelled her after three days?"

Laughing out loud, she pulled her hat up to look at me. "Actually Ah know that smell rather well. Ah do work on a farm after all, and come harvest time, a bath becomes a luxury fer a few days." Rolling her eyes she looks back at me. "And then there was the time Pinkie got into a staring contest at a knot on of mah trees. Mah bruther, Big Mac, had to haul her off and toss her in the water trough. She was sore at us for days for makin her lose."

"Eew, stale Pinkie sweat!" I made a face and got another laugh.

"Too bad ya don't like the smell. Ya smell kinda nice to us ponies." She grinned at me and swigged her beer.

"No shit?" I sniffed the acrid reek of my own three day funk, and made another face. "No wonder she always wants to jump my bones. Maybe I should shower more often."

"Hah, won't help any. You may think it's all bout bumpin uglies, but most ponies ain't even interested outside of matin season." Finishing off her beer, she pulled her line in to recast.

"Wait, so Pinkie doesn't wanna screw me? Then what the hell is she playing at?" I recast my own line, tossing another beer to my companion.

"Aw naw, don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions. Some ponies are always ready to rut, as bad as humans. A few pegasai Ah know come to mind." She waggled her eyebrows, and I got the message. Rainbow Dash was rather playful during her visit. "And that girl Pinkie, she'd lift her tail for you anytime. Poor girl has it for you bad, but that ain't what she needs."

"I don't get it, what does she want then? I mean she practically raped me! That sends a pretty clear message." I threw up my hands, just in time for a tug on my line.

I grabbed the pole before it could end up in the water, and Applejack jumped up to cheer me on. A few minutes of playing the line, and I landed me a sizable trout. Quickly it was transferred to a nearby live bucket to await its fate.

"Well now we know what we are having for dinner!" I grinned and fistbumped my fishing buddy.

"Sounds good to me, pardner! Ain't had pegasus food in an age." Rolling her eyes at me, she grinned. "Fish is one of the few meats anypony can get without Fluttershy getting all upset. And it's quite tasty."

"Yeah, I heard about her. Animal lover, they are afraid to let her visit?" I raised an eyebrow, asking for explanation.

"Yea, the girl sure loves her critters, but scared to death of ponies. But iffin she even thinks one of her friends are in trouble, that timid little thing turns into a right monster! I once saw her stare down a full growed dragon. Made the big feller cry like a little foal that had it's fanny smacked."

"Wow, so I guess no hunting when I visit then?" I joked.

"Hah, I doubt that. Iffen her pet bear don't chew you up, she'd make you wanna kill yourself in shame. Pissin Flutters off is the last thing ya wanna do." Stopping to reel in her own catch, the conversation lulled until the catch was landed.

"Anyways, to answer yer question, all she wants is friendship and love." Sighing, she drank down another beer, and I could tell there was more to her statement than she was willing to tell. "All anypony wants, really. Just somepony to hold them, tell them they are special. It ain't all bout sex and stuff. Just hug her, be her friend. Tell her she's special." Voice growing strained, I could see she was talking as much from her own needs as those of her friend.

"Don't worry none bout ruttin Pinkie. When next season comes, she's got her buddy, Cheese Sammich. Her and him been knockin boots a few years now during ruttin season. Ah heard tell they was even thinkin bout makin it official, and settlin down for some foals. That was afore that portal thingy opened and we all got drafted for this damn ambassador gig." Kicking a rock into the water, she took a deep sigh.

Scooting closer, I pulled her into a one armed hug, and the strong farm pony just leaned into me with a sniff. "You left someone too?"

"What? No! Mebbe... I never asked him. He was always so damn proper. And I think Rarity had her eye on him anyway. It woulda never worked out." I couldn't help but notice the shift in her voice, sounding more refined, with a bit of a Brooklyn twang. "Besides, its my family I miss the most. Little 'Bloom is growing up without me, and poor Macintosh is running the farm all on his own."

I just hugged her tighter, and listened to the sniffles for awhile. Finally she looked up at me and smiled. "Thanks, Sugarcube. This is exactly what a mare needs. Just remember that, for Pinkie, okay?"

Before I could reply, both lines hit, and we were too busy falling over each other to talk. We called it a day with three nice sized trout, and a lost bait. Off to the camp for a much needed clean up and cooking session.

* * *

It was mutually decided, despite how each of us felt about the other's smell, the smell of freshly gutted fish was not pleasant for anyone. After the food as set to slow cook in the coals, we trekked down to the nearby swimming hole in a river to wash up. I received some teasing for insisting to keep my swimming trunks on while I cleaned up, despite Applejack being fully nude, but she sobered a bit when she remembered she would need a bit of help getting to the harder to reach places without the grooming tools most ponies owned.

It became my turn to laugh as she performed a full body blush while I was helping scrub her flanks and tail. The tension was quickly broken however as the rinsing phase of the ritual quickly devolved into a splash fight. By the end, we were both dripping, clean, and grinning like idiots. Not to mention tired as hell.

As the day waned, we returned to the camp for a nice meal of fish, with some baked potatoes and corn slow roasted in the campfire. The last few beers were drank, and the warm glow of our full bellies matched the warm glow of the setting sun.

"Ah really am starting to 'preciate what Pinkie sees in ya, Louis. Yer a right fine fella, smart, funny, and ya smell nice too." Winking at the last words, her voice grew husky as she smiled at me. "It's just too bad yer so gosh darned UGLY!" Her voice returned to normal as she chuckled at me, sticking her tongue out.

"It's the hands, I tell ya. Ponies dig the digits!" I grinned and wiggled my fingers at her.

"Ya don't say?" Slinking up to me like a cat, the farm pony ducked her head under my outstretched hand. I automatically began to scritch her behind the ears as I would most animals. The effect was immediate. "Oh my Celestia! That's amazing. Yes, right thar, right thar, don't stop!" I laughed as her hind leg began to kick like a dog and the contented grin spread across her freckled face.

"In all my days, I have yet to meet a critter that didn't love a scritch behind the ears." I grinned and continued as my newest friend began purring like a cat under my ministrations. "Behold, the power of HANDS!" I playfully bellowed, getting an answering chuckle.

Suddenly the orange pony pulled away, blushing and looking flustered. "Landsakes, you better stop that 'afore I decide to steal you away from Pinkie mahself. Ah dun care how ugly ya are, that was amazing!" I just laughed in response, and pulled her into an awkward hug.

"Well now, how did you plan to spend the rest of the evening?" I gazed up at the coming night, and added more fuel to the fire.

"Well shoot, Ah never planned to stay this long and Ah dun look forward to truckin down the mountain in the dark." Looking embarrassed, she kicked at a the ground.

"Don't sweat it. I'd welcome more company, and we can tell embarrassing stories about Pinkie Pie!" Grinning, I patted the seat near me. "I've spent enough time brooding along for a bit."

"Well then, Ah don't suppose it could hurt to stay another day. Not like I got much else to attend to." She plopped down next to me, and smiled in my direction. "Ya got any more of that beer?"

"I'm afraid I'm all tapped out, but I got something better! I was saving it for my last day, but I think I better cut my trip short so I can get home and handle patch things up with Pinkie." As I spoke, I rummaged in my pack, pulling out a carefully wrapped package, handing the contents to Applejack.

"Hmm, Appleton Estates, 15 year Reserve?" She cocked an eyebrow at me in question. "This here is liquor, ain't it?"

"Some of the best. My mom gave it to me for my birthday, and I've been saving it. She owns half the plantation where they make it." I motioned for her try it.

"Well, iffin it has apples in the name, it cain't be all bad." With a twist, she pulled out the cork, then took a swig. Her eyes bulged, and she swallowed, followed by a jerking cough. "Smoooth..." she managed to choke out. "That ain't made from apples!"

"Naw, it's rum, made from sugarcane. Some of the best too." I motioned for the bottle and took a swig myself, relishing the burn as it flowed down to my extremities.

"Hoowee, it gives a kick. Sugar, ya say? Don't let Pinkie find out. As much as that girl likes sugar, Ah'd hate to see what she'd do with booze made from the stuff." We both laughed at the thought of a hyperactive pony drunk off her ass. "So iffin yer ma owns this here plantation, what does yer pappy own?"

I grinned and leaned closer, taking a swig of the rum before answering, "He owns this mountain."

Her eyes grew wide as she looked around in surprise. "The whole mountain? How can a feller own a whole mountain? Mah family founded Ponyville, and our farm is only a small part of the town."

"Well that's an interesting story. Ya remember when I told you bout how some humans hate others just because they are a different color?" She nodded in response, getting a worried look. "Well his family was from around here, and they were none too pleased when he married a dark skinned islander. He brought his wife home to the family reunion and they all but kicked him out." This was received with a shocked look.

"Wait, they kicked em out fer lovin somepony that was another color? Ah've seen some things in my time, especially in yer south, but for family to turn on another like that, s'just plain wrong!" The orange mare was clearly upset at the idea and stomped a hoof. I just smiled and handed her the bottle for another drink as I continued.

"Yes, well they forgot how stubborn and hotheaded the family is, and they forgot how rich my dad was at that point. He used his contacts from his job at the time, and found out that the entire mountain was owned by a local mining company, and half the land was just leased to the folks that lived here." I grinned evilly and took the bottle back for another swig, smacking my lips at the yummy burn. "He bought the company, and all of it's assets, and then spent the next decade slowly letting the leases expire, and kicking the bastards off the mountain."

"Wow, that's just evil."

"Yep, well that's why you don't piss off my old man. Us mountain men are vindictive as hell." I grinned back at her shocked expression.

Suddenly she perked up and looked at me differently. "So wait, yer family is like, all rich and all? So why you need a roommate like Pinkie?"

I snorted, rolling my eyes. "My PARENTS are rich. My dad is proud of how he started out poor, and made his own way in life, and he raised me to be the same. They paid for my college, gave me a house, but haven't given me a penny since. I decided I wanted to enjoy life for a bit, and continue my education later, and so long as I was willing to pay my own way in life, they didn't give a damn.

Sighing, I leaned back and took another shot, feeling the mellow buzz start to melt into something stronger. "So, I work a shitty, dead end job, flake out and play video games, and need someone to help me pay some bills." I shrug, "It's a big house, and having company is nice I guess. It works out for now, as long as Pinkie can keep her hands to herself."

"Ahh, well it should all work out, Ah'm sure. Shounds like meh at mah younger daysh." I could hear the alcohol starting to slur her words as the glassy look in her eyes told me she was approaching wasted. "Ah went off ya find mahselfs, shpent time in Manehatten bein all proper an shtuff. A right proper young lady Ah wash." Shrugging, she took another shot, and passed the bottle back. I couldn't help but notice we had passed the halfway mark, and I stoppered the bottle with a small smile.

"But! But it twern't fer me. Mah family and mah farm called me back, and I found mah placsh on da farm." Leaning over, she put an arm around my sholders and tried to give me a serious look, which was totally ruined by her swaying back and forth. "Ah jusht hope ya find yer placsh, Louish.

"I'm sure I will. But for now, life's a party, as Pinkie like's to say." I smiled back and helped her back to her seat. "Ugh, and for now, I think my place is in bed."

"Aww, where's da rum?" Luckily she hadn't seen me hide the bottle, knowing where this party was going and heading it off before my very good rum was forcefully redeposited in the bushes nearby when her stomach realized it was losing the battle against alcohol poisoning.

"Why'sh da rum gone?" Swaying on her hooves, the orange mare tried to look behind me for the missing bottle. I did my best not to facepalm at the inadvertently quoted movie reference.

"Go home Applejack, you're drunk." I said with a laugh.

"Cain't go home, s'too dark. Gonna shleep here. Mmm warm far an shoft ground, an dat log looksh comfy." She started to stumble off to a nearby log to lay down, and I headed her off.

"Oh no you don't! I got you drunk, you are my responsibility." I steered her towards my tent, and after a minimum of fumbling, managed to get the flaps open. She mumbled a thanks and collapsed on the floor inside, completely missing the sleeping bag. With a sigh, I turned to bank the fire, before returning to find the farm pony snoring softly, her hat over her face.

Securing the tent flaps, I crawled into my bag with a sigh. I paused a moment before unzipping it, and repositioning so it could cover my companion. Suddenly, she rolled over and latched her hooves onto me in a tight hug, smiling in her sleep, and not even breaking the rhythm of her snores.

With another sigh, I settled in to a night of being spooned by a drunken pony. I had to admit I've slept through worse situations. Being used as a teddy bear by a drunken mare doesn't even rate.

"Hooves ta yerself mishter..." I heard her mumble, as I slowly drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but appreciate the irony.

* * *

After an awkward awakening to a sleeping pony sucking on my thumb, we broke camp and I drove AJ down the mountain where she had a ride waiting for her. I finally got my answer of how she tracked me down, and was embarrassed they it was so simple. It seems Twilight tapped into the GPS on my Robotz smart phone, and looked up the location. I guess that's the price of living in the modern age.

Half a day drive found me home again, and after a very long hot shower and a well needed shave, I was sprawled out on the sofa drinking cheap beer and eating cheap pizza I picked up from Little Platos. It was just like the old college days, minus the acne. The house was empty, and it felt like something was missing, so I decided to watch some TV.

* * *

_And next up, on the Gerald Faller Show, "So I married a pony!"_

"_Welcome to the show, folks. We have an interesting and controversial topic for you. Humans and Ponies have been living together for several years now, and despite the cultural and physical differences, some have found love. Today we have several couples that have taken the next step, and gotten married to their soulmates."_

_The crowd jeers and boos at the announcement, as the ringmaster rolls his eyes to great effect. He then steps aside and begins to announce his first guests._

"_Our first couple hail from California, and Cloudsdale, and have even taken the time to get married in both locations. Jim says he is a professional surfboard designer, and Cloudsong is a weather control inspector. Folks, lets give a warm welcome for Jim and Cloudsong!"_

_The audience cheer, with a few offnote whistles as the couple step from offstage. The human is a tall blond man, wearing a grungy looking shirt and baggy pants. The mare is a pegasus sporting a pink coat and yellow mane. They stride across the stage, waving to the crowd, before leaning close for a kiss. This draws oohs and awws from the crowd, and a few woops, especially from the ponies in the audience._

"_So, Jim and Cloudsong..." The host begins._

"_Please, you can just call me Cloud" The mare interrupts, smiling sweetly. She reaches out to the hand of her mate, who holds it. This gets some more noise from the crowd at the simple gesture._

"_Okay then, Jim and Cloud. You both have been through some tough trials of late, with some folks opposing human and pony unions. And yet, despite all this, you have remained true to one another, and even gotten a legal marriage in both countries." Gerald sits down to face the couple, now seated in arm chairs._

"_Yeah, and soon I will be getting my dual citizenship so that I can travel freely in Equestria." Jim pipes in. This gets some cheers from the ponies in the audience._

"_That's amazing to hear! And you told us you plan to expand your business to Equestria, and sell your custom designs to ponies. It sounds as if the worlds are not going to stop you from achieving your dream." With a smile, the host turns to the audience, who promptly cheers the couple on._

"_But all is not well, is it?" Gerald prompts._

"_No, we still have trouble from some of our neighbors. The house gets vandalized, and we have had threats both in the mail and left on our phones. My own brother refuses to talk to me." Looking down at his feet, the young man sighs, and the pegasus leans over and hugs him with a wing._

"_Well, I have a special treat that may help you folks. It seems our next couple are having an even tougher time of it, and they have something very important to share with you two." Backing away, Gerald motions to the viewing screen, where a familiar blond man is looking into the camera._

"_Jim. It's been too damn long, and I;ve given you such a hard time over the years because of the choices you have made. Now it's time that I come clean, and tell you how sorry I have been for the way I treated you." The man on the screen looks like a twin to the one on stage, save for the clean cut of his cloths and well groomed hair. As the screen fades, the censors have a field day censoring the profanity coming from the first human guest._

"_Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet John." As the man takes the stage, the crowd erupts, but in a moment he motions offstage, and things go really wild. "And I would also like to introduce his lover, Lens Flare!"_

_As the ringmaster announces the newest guest, the entire studio erupts. Out trots a pony stallion, a unicorn, sporting a dark grey coat and shocking blue mane, bearing a camera cutie mark. As he trots on stage, the human kneels down and shares a very passionate kiss with him, causing the audience to somehow get even louder._

_Suddenly there is movement, and Jim is running across the stage towards his brother, pulling him up to take a swing at the other man. Before the bouncers can even react, he is frozen in place as the horn of the unicorn flares to life. The audience cheers like the bloodthirsty mob they are, and it takes several moments for the bouncers and host to regain control. Finally the sound is low enough for the guests to be heard, and once again the censors have their work cut out for them._

"_You f*****g bastard! After all the s**t you pulled, at our wedding, in front of our parents! This is the big f*****g secret you have been hiding all these years? You're a damn faggot, and a pony f****r!" Livid with rage, the younger brother screams across the stage at his sibling. The bouncers stand ready to intercept the next round of violence, and the two ponies just look scared as they watch their partners. "You are nothing but a damn hypocrite!"_

"_Yes, I'm a damn hypocrite. I'm sorry for all the things I said, and the s**t I pulled. I regret every nasty word I ever said to you." Looking tired and broken, the older brother couldn't even look the other man in the eye. "You don't understand what it has been like all these years. I had to be the older brother. I had to be upstanding and normal, to carry on dad's proud family name. I was the one they expected everything from, and demanded it always be perfect!" _

_Looking up, James points at the other man on stage, a new fire in his eyes. "But YOU! You were the youngest, the baby. Mom and dad gave you everything, and demanded NOTHING! You got to drop out, f**k off and play surfer boy, while I was sent for f*****g military school, and put through boot camp."_

"_And you wanna know the funniest part? Mom knew. She knew all the time what I was, and it disgusted her. I got to see it in her eyes every damn day. She loved you, but she hated me. And now I'm done with it. I found someone that loves me for who and what I am, and I am done with lying. I am done with hiding. I am f*****g DONE with hurting my little brother because of our parent's mistakes."_

_Meanwhile the rage and blood drained from the younger brother's face, as he watches his sibling slowly break down. The good son, the perfect soldier, falling apart in front of him. They both have tears running down their face as they run at one another again._

"_I love you bro, I don't care what you are!" Jim and James embrace, and the audience gives out a heartwrenching "Awwwww."_

_Stepping in, Gerald takes the focus of the camera, and sets up for the commercial break. "Coming up next, our last couple have finally managed to find a place to get married, but are still fighting laws that say their love is not allowed. After the break, we will meet Nathan and Buttercup, the shetland pony."_

_The camera switches to an image of a man holding the reins of a non-equestrian pony, who is wearing a saddle and white wedding dress. The scene cuts away to a preview of the upcoming scene, and the two sharing a sloppy kiss as the other four guests look on in horror, and the audience chants "Gerald! Gerald! Gerald!"_

* * *

"Oh fuck that shit!" I let out a yell, turning the television off, before throwing the remote. "Equestrian ponies are one thing, but some people are just fucking sick."

I watch as the remote manages to bounce off the wall and then roll back to my feet, just as I hear the sound of the front door opening. I tense up, unsure how this will go, and not looking forward to the confrontation. I wasn't lying when I said Pinkie was one of my best friends at this point, and losing her would be hard. On the other hand, having her continue to force affections I just don't feel and interfering in my own pursuits would just make me even more miserable. There had to be a middle ground.

I heard hesitant hoofsteps as Pinkie entered the house, and made her way towards the living room. She had to know I was home from the car out front, and I got the feeling she was just as unsure as I.

"Louis? You home?" I heard her voice, sounding a bit more husky, as if she had been crying recently.

"In here, Pinks." I responded, setting down my beer with a sigh.

As Pinkie entered the room, I saw that her hair was once again straight as a razor, and as attractive as it made her appear, the haunted look in her eyes ruined the effect. At first she just stared at me, looking as nervous as I felt, and then she looked like she was going to cry. Finally, I sighed and opened my arms for a hug. Launching herself at me, I was tackled hard enough to make the couch rock.

"I'm so sorry Louis, please don't be mad at me anymore!" As the pink mare whimpered into my shoulder, I stroked her hair.

"Pinkie, I'm not mad at you. And I'm the one that needs to apologize for what I did. You just were the first target I saw after I was hurt from that bitch, Amanda. I had no right to hit you like I did." I lifted her chin to look at me.

"But it was all my fault! If I hadn't said those awful things, you wouldn't have gotten hurt, and left, and, and I thought you weren't ever gonna come back!" She held me tighter, and I rolled my eyes.

"Pinkie, listen to me. Amanda was an evil bitch. You saw it, and you tried to warn me, but I was too stupid to notice. Sooner or later I woulda found out and been hurt. You just sorta pulled the bandage off quicker, and I wasn't ready for the shock." Chuckling, I pulled her back so I could look at her with a wry grin. "And besides, this is my house. Of course I'd come back, you silly pony."

Sniffling, she wiped her eyes as she chuckled. "Yeah, I guess that was pretty silly of me. You threatened to kick me out instead."

"I just needed some time to work things out. I tend to do that best by myself, where I can't hurt my friends like I hurt you." Finally getting the ghost of a smile, I booped her on the nose to make it grow.

"So how was it? Where did you go? Did you go on some epic quest to find your true purpose in life, scaling giant mountains and fighting evil monsters in the quest across an untamed land to find the great wizard on the mountain that gave you the answer you were looking for?" Pausing for breath, she beamed at me. "Cuz that's the kinda fun I wanna be part of! I can even sing a song about it." And out of nowhere, she pulls an accordion. Okay, it may have come out of her hair, but I'm still not sure how.

Before she could burst into song, I quickly put my hand on her mouth. As well as this was going, I was still not in the mood for a musical number. "Wait! No songs." She seemed to deflate along with the sound of her accordion, before the instrument was tossed aside, and the smile returned.

Her hair even seemed to me curling back into shape as she beamed. "Okie dokie! So what happened?"

"Applejack happened." I deadpanned, rolling my eyes.

"Wait, what? She said she was gonna go find you, and give you a piece of her mind. She didn't hurt you did she?" Gasping, the pink mare began to growl, and I saw a fire light in her eyes.

"Nothing I didn't deserve, although I should probably get my fillings checked." Seeing the look of anger grow I quickly laughed. "I'm kidding! We just talked. Mostly. Did some fishing, got drunk. But mostly just talked." I sighed, shrugging. "Applejack gave me some pointers on how to love a pony, and stuff like that."

"She WHAT?!" The anger was back, and I could see her back arching like a cat.

"That's not what I mean! Calm down, already. It was just some good friendly banter. She explained that you don't need sex like humans do, but just want some cuddling and attention. Hell, the way she made it sound, you were more like a big pet than a girlfriend." I grinned.

All anger gone, Pinkie grinned sheepishly at me. "Oh, well that's fine. She's mostly right. I really don't need sex when I'm not in season, not that I wouldn't mind a little fun. But if you aren't okay with it, I can definitely wait until then. It's not like most ponies are exclusive and all. In fact, many still do the whole traditional herd thing. I'm just a little weird and sometimes get all jealous." Sighing, she looked up at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry if I sometimes turn into a little greenie meanie pants. I'll try not to let it get to me. I really don't mind being your little pony pet, as long as you scratch behind my ears!" Leaning in close, I happily scritched her until her leg began to thump the couch.

As her hair fully curled into it's normal mess, I saw the look of bliss cross her face, and couldn't help poke one last barb. "Well I'm glad that you finally accept you were acting silly and jealous, and I forgive you as long as you work to control it. Besides, I really didn't want you to flip out when you heard that I slept with Applejack."

"WHAAAT!" In a flash, she was out of my arms, over the coffee table, and glaring at me as she snorted like a bull. I just laughed my ass off, as she realized I had been messing with her, and gave a brittle laugh.

"Really Pinkie, you are gonna have to work harder than that if you want to hang with me." I shook my head.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Louis. I'll work harder on it, I swear. It's just, Applejack is my friend, and the idea that she slept with you, and I can't... It's just not fair. I'm glad you were only joking." With a deep sigh, she walked back around the table and flopped back onto the couch.

"Oh we really did sleep together." The look of horror returned for a moment before I booped her nose. "We just didn't have sex. It was a small tent, we were both drunk, and she used me as a teddy bear. She really has as much interest in me as I do in her, so nothing happened." Pulling Pinkie into another hug, I went on. "But you know, I learned something from her. I don't have to be in love, to love someone. And I don't have to have sex, or even be attracted to someone to share some affection."

"Thanks Louis. That's all I ever wanted." Sighing into my chest, I felt the pink mare relax into my arms.

"We'll find a way to make it work, Pinkie. We just need time, and tolerance." Leaning down, I kissed her gently on the forehead, getting an even bigger smile as she cuddled me with her eyes closed.

"Thanks Louis, thank you so much for being my bestest friend."

"You're welcome, Pinkie." I sighed, and then rolled my eyes. "And Pinkie?"

"Yes, Louis?" She sweetly replied.

"Could you please stop grabbing my ass?"

"Woopsie!" She giggled, as I just shook my head.


End file.
